7.22.2002

I'm not writng very often, am I? It's hard, I haven't developed a pattern yet. When I have something to write and I'm writing it down it feels so natural, but I always have to pause for long periods of time and think about what I'm going to write next. Which is stupid, it's not like anyone is gonna read this but me. Well (hopefully) my offspring. I've been taking all my notes and cut out newspaper articles and ripped out magazine pictures of celebrities and have been filing them away into my desk. I'm just trying to preserve stuff, you know? There's very little left from my parent's childhood for me to pick though and analyze who exactly these people are. Maybe it will be easier for my kids that way.

So Andrew is back. I think. I haven't called. I'm not sure if I wanna call anymore. Maybe I don't like him the way I used to. It's hard to say. How did I like him before? I have no idea. Before I kept thinking, "You know, he's the one. You can run but you can't hide from the fact that you're not gonna find another one like him." Which seems stupid because I'm 13, and I think that's a little too young to go looking for your soul mate. I can't even remember any proof that he is "the one." Perhaps I should've been writing when all this was happening. Damn. I'm regretting not writing for about a year. So what if I do call him? I have no evidence to believe that he is going to wanna see a movie with me. I mean, it's me. I'm just too...me. I can't imagine why he would want to even spend 2 hours with me that doesn't involve any talking. All we ever did was fight.

That's where one of my friends would sweep in and say, "That's only because you two are so alike..." They don't know that. How can they be so sure of these things?

And what if he does say yes? And what if he wants to be like...my boyfriend? How am I going to deal with that one? I have all this stuff I still gotta do before I wanna get settled down...

OH MY GOD. AM I JUST PUTTING THIS OFF BECAUSE I THINK I'M GONNA MARRY HIM? That's what it looks like to me. No, he couldn't possibly be. But there's this little voice (as little as one of my voices can be), that seems to think he is. This could get ugly.