Oh yes, this is beautiful. The never-ending winter has come to a halt! I mean, an end. Yes, it's all over. It's 70-some degrees. I'm in my room, on my bed, with the window open. And my shades are up. It's definitely beautiful.
I'm going to try to write a poem about myself for English class.
I'm an extroverted introvert
A cold, bitter romantic
A socializing hermit
An honest liar
I'm a little bit one end of the spectrum
And a little bit of the other
I'm a little bit cynical and a little -
I go about my daily life
As thoughts of you fill my mind
And there ain't a thing I can do about it
So meanwhile I pretend everything is normal
While I wait for you to be a part of my past
And not my future
You are a dead end
You are a movie I know the ending to
You are a pointless remake
3.14.2003 9:56 pm
"The Electric Slide"
+ x people who don't know how to do it, but try anyhow (whereas x = TOO MUCH)
-----------------------------------------------
A mosh pit
+ x people who don't know how to do it, but try anyhow (whereas x = TOO MUCH)
-----------------------------------------------
A mosh pit
3.1.2003 12:29 pm
It's March!
The first thing I did this morning (after getting my bagel and coffee) was watch A Little Romance. I loved it. It was so cute. Now why can't something like that happen to me?
I really am a romantic. I have always been one. At least deep down in side. I may always pester my friends about how much it must suck for them to have a boyfriend, but I think we all know that deep down inside, I'm just jealous.
Mr. Right just doesn't go to my school. He doesn't live in Poland. I don't think he lives in Ohio, actually. He might live in the U.S. He might not. I'm not sure about that one.
Nothing ever happens to me. I'm bored.
The first thing I did this morning (after getting my bagel and coffee) was watch A Little Romance. I loved it. It was so cute. Now why can't something like that happen to me?
I really am a romantic. I have always been one. At least deep down in side. I may always pester my friends about how much it must suck for them to have a boyfriend, but I think we all know that deep down inside, I'm just jealous.
Mr. Right just doesn't go to my school. He doesn't live in Poland. I don't think he lives in Ohio, actually. He might live in the U.S. He might not. I'm not sure about that one.
Nothing ever happens to me. I'm bored.
2.26.2003 8:34 pm
Gotta write gotta write gotta write RIGHT NOW.
Oh God. Whatever shall I write about. Morgan is playing "My Country Tis of Thee" (or "God Save the Queen," if you prefer) on her recorder. I'm going to listen to Bob Marley records. Because I can.
Oh God. Whatever shall I write about. Morgan is playing "My Country Tis of Thee" (or "God Save the Queen," if you prefer) on her recorder. I'm going to listen to Bob Marley records. Because I can.
2.23.2003 11:36 am
Well, would you look at that? It's still morning. Imagine that.
Remember when I used to write that stand up? Whatever happened to that?
Morgan is fighting with my mom about her hair. "IT'S NOT SOAKING WET! I don't wanna blow dry it! It's not soaking wet, it's just a little bit wet, just wet enough to get my shirt wet! It's not soaking wet! You don't even believe me, you're just like 'Okay...'"
Oh Morgan. Mom had some inaudible mumbling in there too. Morgan just likes to start fights. It's rather annoying, if I do say.
WHEN WILL WINTER END?! It's been going on forever! I have never seen this much snow in one winter in my life. Usually, you know, it just snows a little once or twice (and if it's a bad winter, three). But that's it! If we get lucky we might get one snow day from ice, and usually that doesn't even happen. The worst winter I ever saw while I was here was in fourth grade when it snowed a ton in January and we got seven days in a row off, but then it didn't snow the rest of the winter. But not this year, oh no. We've had four snow days, but it's snowed ALL FUCKING WINTER. ONCE the snow melted. ONCE. It was 45 degrees yesterday and it still wouldn't melt! Either that, or it did melt during the night, but it started snowing again, and that's why it looks the same.
I hate this weather. You know, this place isn't that bad in the summer, but I cannot stand winter. I swear, as soon as I get the chance, I'm leaving this place for good. Somewhere where there is no winter, and if there is, it's very mild. Like New Orleans. After this winter, I have four more left, and I never have to live through another one again. I'll go to California and become a big movie star and avoid the cold for the rest of my life. All I've got to do is survive four more winters. Four more years in this wretched place. That's it! Never again! All I'll have left are the memories and the notebooks, because Mom and Dad are leaving when Morgan graduates from high school. So four more years, and 3 years of visits. And that's it.
I'll also make a point of leaving a flaming bag of poo on Andrew's door step, just because right now I don't feel like a romantic, so I'm a little pissed.
Remember when I used to write that stand up? Whatever happened to that?
Morgan is fighting with my mom about her hair. "IT'S NOT SOAKING WET! I don't wanna blow dry it! It's not soaking wet, it's just a little bit wet, just wet enough to get my shirt wet! It's not soaking wet! You don't even believe me, you're just like 'Okay...'"
Oh Morgan. Mom had some inaudible mumbling in there too. Morgan just likes to start fights. It's rather annoying, if I do say.
WHEN WILL WINTER END?! It's been going on forever! I have never seen this much snow in one winter in my life. Usually, you know, it just snows a little once or twice (and if it's a bad winter, three). But that's it! If we get lucky we might get one snow day from ice, and usually that doesn't even happen. The worst winter I ever saw while I was here was in fourth grade when it snowed a ton in January and we got seven days in a row off, but then it didn't snow the rest of the winter. But not this year, oh no. We've had four snow days, but it's snowed ALL FUCKING WINTER. ONCE the snow melted. ONCE. It was 45 degrees yesterday and it still wouldn't melt! Either that, or it did melt during the night, but it started snowing again, and that's why it looks the same.
I hate this weather. You know, this place isn't that bad in the summer, but I cannot stand winter. I swear, as soon as I get the chance, I'm leaving this place for good. Somewhere where there is no winter, and if there is, it's very mild. Like New Orleans. After this winter, I have four more left, and I never have to live through another one again. I'll go to California and become a big movie star and avoid the cold for the rest of my life. All I've got to do is survive four more winters. Four more years in this wretched place. That's it! Never again! All I'll have left are the memories and the notebooks, because Mom and Dad are leaving when Morgan graduates from high school. So four more years, and 3 years of visits. And that's it.
I'll also make a point of leaving a flaming bag of poo on Andrew's door step, just because right now I don't feel like a romantic, so I'm a little pissed.
2.21.2003 11:11 pm
I've decided that I wouldn't mind being an actress-turned-princess like Grace Kelly. Though Princess Colleen doesn't have that nice of a ring to it...but Queen Colleen does!
Yes, I'm feeling very beautiful. Carly said I'm going to be the next Marilyn. That makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, but not in the hot and bothered way.
"We told Jupis that Colleen liked him and he got all hot and bothered."
I'm going to get my beauty sleep now.
Yes, I'm feeling very beautiful. Carly said I'm going to be the next Marilyn. That makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, but not in the hot and bothered way.
"We told Jupis that Colleen liked him and he got all hot and bothered."
I'm going to get my beauty sleep now.
2.20.2003 8:24 pm
Ugh. I'm trying to study for science. I hate science. Yuck. I think I'm about to just give up on it. I'm beginning to feel that way about a lot of school subjects.
I'm glad I found my drive. Yes, when the fat black lady sang "Happy Birthday" to me, that's when it all came rolling back.
I must be going soon, it's almost time for Scrubs. Did you hear? Did you hear? Don't tell Paul Revere! Gandhi has ADD! Gandhi has ADD! (Paul Revere) TO LAAAAAAATE! Gandhi has ADD! Gandhi has ADD! You get it from toilet seats!
Alright, that's enough for now.
I'm glad I found my drive. Yes, when the fat black lady sang "Happy Birthday" to me, that's when it all came rolling back.
I must be going soon, it's almost time for Scrubs. Did you hear? Did you hear? Don't tell Paul Revere! Gandhi has ADD! Gandhi has ADD! (Paul Revere) TO LAAAAAAATE! Gandhi has ADD! Gandhi has ADD! You get it from toilet seats!
Alright, that's enough for now.
2.20.2003 2:22 pm
You know, I used to write all the time. Just because, well, actually, usually I was bent on "finishing a notebook" or being just like Harriet the Spy. God, that was weird. I never really thought about it much until yesterday when I was typing up my second notebook. All I wrote about was Harriet this, Harriet that. I'm glad the obsession is over. Of course, the notebook remains.
Now whenever I write though, I usually vent about Andrew. Or Morgan. Is that all I ever think about? Andrew and Morgan? Out of 128 pages in this notebook, Andrew is mentioned on 28 of them. That's sad. Real sad.
I also write about my feelings a lot. When I was in fifth grade, we had to make this poster that illustrated different mental stages one experiences in their life. And our teacher told us which one we were, but I got all rebellious and said I was in the one after that, where you start to analyze your emotions. I wasn't really in it yet, now that I look back. I was kind of getting into it.
What will I want to know in the future: what I did, or how I felt? I should probably do both until I determine an answer.
So...things I did. Well, I have a bad cough, so I stayed home from school today. Morgan is also sick, so Nanny took the first half of her day off, and Dad took the second half of his off. Not that he's doing anything. He's probably playing backgammon on the new computer. Me and Nanny went to go see Art the Fart, otherwise known as my doctor. He said I have an upper respiratory tract infection and told me to take Zithromax and Robitussen. Or something like that. Those great family genes, you know. A lot of respiratory problems. Like what is up with that noise Grandma makes when she breathes?
Oh, Dad just left. Wonder where he's going. Not really.
I just saw two dogs running free through the yards. I guess Kramer saw them too, because now he's barking.
Morgan is watching TV really loudly in Mom's room. I hate that. That's one of my pet peeves, along with people trying to hook me up with ugly guys. I can't blame her though, with Kramer yipping around downstairs. Dumb ass. Oh, Carmel just joined in the action. Great. For every one of Carmel's barks, Kramer has 10 and a little howling noise in between. Wow, they're really getting into it. They're barking in unison. This is quite alarming. Then there was a moment of silence, and they started again. You can hear their claws scratching the floor as they move from window to window. Okay, I think it's over now. We're all going to be okay.
Some day I must find the time to write the events that made up my trip to Chicago. I wish I would've while I was there and the memories were still fresh in my mind. Unfortunately, I was too lazy.
You know, I haven't made my bed in a really, really long time. Probably some time around Christmas...no, it was after that.
Uh oh, someone just barked.
When I was younger I would write if I didn't write in my notebook a million pages every day, I was a failure. I think I may have been quite sick in the head.
Oh, dear, here we go again. Kramer is barking. What a dillhole.
I've been feeling very hostile lately. I'm just generally in a pissed off state of mind. When I see people at my school talking, all I hear is "I'm such a tool! I'm a tool!" Everyone is a tool. It's upsetting me. They take Holland so seriously. The only thing serious about Holland is that it's seriously insignificant. I hate it. I need to get free.
I'm gonna get free. I'm gonna get free. I'm gonna get free, ride into the sun. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me, why should anyone?
And some day I'm going to go into the real world and get a real boyfriend. The boys at our school are real idiots, and most of them aren't even that hot.
Sometimes I think that perhaps I'm the next step in human evolution. I'm just the only one who's got over the hump so far. It must've really sucked being the first human, and all your friends and relatives would be monkeys.
How did I write 36 pages that one day? I mean, that's just insanity.
Now whenever I write though, I usually vent about Andrew. Or Morgan. Is that all I ever think about? Andrew and Morgan? Out of 128 pages in this notebook, Andrew is mentioned on 28 of them. That's sad. Real sad.
I also write about my feelings a lot. When I was in fifth grade, we had to make this poster that illustrated different mental stages one experiences in their life. And our teacher told us which one we were, but I got all rebellious and said I was in the one after that, where you start to analyze your emotions. I wasn't really in it yet, now that I look back. I was kind of getting into it.
What will I want to know in the future: what I did, or how I felt? I should probably do both until I determine an answer.
So...things I did. Well, I have a bad cough, so I stayed home from school today. Morgan is also sick, so Nanny took the first half of her day off, and Dad took the second half of his off. Not that he's doing anything. He's probably playing backgammon on the new computer. Me and Nanny went to go see Art the Fart, otherwise known as my doctor. He said I have an upper respiratory tract infection and told me to take Zithromax and Robitussen. Or something like that. Those great family genes, you know. A lot of respiratory problems. Like what is up with that noise Grandma makes when she breathes?
Oh, Dad just left. Wonder where he's going. Not really.
I just saw two dogs running free through the yards. I guess Kramer saw them too, because now he's barking.
Morgan is watching TV really loudly in Mom's room. I hate that. That's one of my pet peeves, along with people trying to hook me up with ugly guys. I can't blame her though, with Kramer yipping around downstairs. Dumb ass. Oh, Carmel just joined in the action. Great. For every one of Carmel's barks, Kramer has 10 and a little howling noise in between. Wow, they're really getting into it. They're barking in unison. This is quite alarming. Then there was a moment of silence, and they started again. You can hear their claws scratching the floor as they move from window to window. Okay, I think it's over now. We're all going to be okay.
Some day I must find the time to write the events that made up my trip to Chicago. I wish I would've while I was there and the memories were still fresh in my mind. Unfortunately, I was too lazy.
You know, I haven't made my bed in a really, really long time. Probably some time around Christmas...no, it was after that.
Uh oh, someone just barked.
When I was younger I would write if I didn't write in my notebook a million pages every day, I was a failure. I think I may have been quite sick in the head.
Oh, dear, here we go again. Kramer is barking. What a dillhole.
I've been feeling very hostile lately. I'm just generally in a pissed off state of mind. When I see people at my school talking, all I hear is "I'm such a tool! I'm a tool!" Everyone is a tool. It's upsetting me. They take Holland so seriously. The only thing serious about Holland is that it's seriously insignificant. I hate it. I need to get free.
I'm gonna get free. I'm gonna get free. I'm gonna get free, ride into the sun. He never loved me. He never loved me. He never loved me, why should anyone?
And some day I'm going to go into the real world and get a real boyfriend. The boys at our school are real idiots, and most of them aren't even that hot.
Sometimes I think that perhaps I'm the next step in human evolution. I'm just the only one who's got over the hump so far. It must've really sucked being the first human, and all your friends and relatives would be monkeys.
How did I write 36 pages that one day? I mean, that's just insanity.
2.10.2003 11:06 pm
I hate the news. You know why? Because it reminds me of how stupid people are
Our new computer is wicked awesome.
Carly let me borrow this book called Violet and Claire. It's interesting how there are things that I remember about her, like when she told me it was good that I was watching "The Classics" and how I should keep doing it, or when she was talking about Uma Thurman's hair in Pulp Fiction, or those notecards taped on her bedroom wall. Now I know where they come from.
Our new computer is wicked awesome.
Carly let me borrow this book called Violet and Claire. It's interesting how there are things that I remember about her, like when she told me it was good that I was watching "The Classics" and how I should keep doing it, or when she was talking about Uma Thurman's hair in Pulp Fiction, or those notecards taped on her bedroom wall. Now I know where they come from.
2.4.2003 10:12 pm
I cannot stand Morgan. She treats me so bad all the time. And she treats Mom worse. I hear her screaming at Mom every morning, every evening, if not more often. She's just plain nasty. It drives me insane how much she eats. Today she told me that Mom said she could have two pretzels after school. Well, lo and behold, she's not. She's a filthy liar. Mom gets home at 9 and she practically forces her to watch The Cosby Show with her for an hour. I can't say anything to Morgan without her screaming at me, and then she'll go on and on about kids in her class, and I'll listen politely and laugh when needed. Then, when I try to tell one of my stores, she doesn't even pay attention and doesn't respond. If, or course, she isn't trying to pick a fight with me over my opinion of something she brought up. I know hate is such a strong word, but it seems quite appropriate. And though I'd like to break her nose and give her a black eye, I can't. Because she's my sister. Whatever happens to us, getting along, only a month ago? It's actually all got the point that I'm afraid of her. Whenever she enters the room, I leave. I spend most of my days trapped in this house with her, hiding, practically. What Morgan wants, Morgan gets, because she knows how to manipulate Mom and I into doing things.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!
1.27.2003 8:40 pm my room
No school again today. I was absolutely sure we would have it, and we didn't. I was relieved and disappointed at the same time. It's so boring here, I think I might...I don't know. I actually went outside. Imagine that.
I've pretty much been curled up in my bed, reading. I've really found a lot of enjoyment in it lately
It's a nice escape.
I still have no drive.
When I saw Chicago, something about the way Catherine Zeta-Jones talked in it bothered me. Today I figured out what it was - she talks like me. I was singing "All That Jazz" today and found we have the same voice. How flattering.
I've pretty much been curled up in my bed, reading. I've really found a lot of enjoyment in it lately
It's a nice escape.
I still have no drive.
When I saw Chicago, something about the way Catherine Zeta-Jones talked in it bothered me. Today I figured out what it was - she talks like me. I was singing "All That Jazz" today and found we have the same voice. How flattering.
1.25.2003 3:00 pm my room
I think I'm getting fat. So I tried to do yoga. But that makes you focus on breathing, something I've clearly never been good at.
The last two days of school were cancelled due to dangerously cold temperatures. Sadly, those were the last two days of art class. Luckily, those were the last two days of survey of global languages. Let's pray to Buddha that they don't want us to relive what could've been on Monday and Tuesday.
I'm going to try and walk my dog, Carmel.
The last two days of school were cancelled due to dangerously cold temperatures. Sadly, those were the last two days of art class. Luckily, those were the last two days of survey of global languages. Let's pray to Buddha that they don't want us to relive what could've been on Monday and Tuesday.
I'm going to try and walk my dog, Carmel.
1.4.2003
HOW I SHALL BECOME A MOVIE STAR (MY RESOLUTIONS)
1. Look like a movie star
a. Take a shower every other day
b. Eliminate stress
1. Clean my damn room
2. Don't procrastinate
3. Just practice the fucking instruments
c. Get in shape
1. Walk the damn dog
2. Start doing that J. Lo workout again. Clearly, it works.
d. Better posture
2. Become an actress
a. Look into those talent agencies
b. Audition for plays
c. Join the drama club and speech team in high school
1. Look like a movie star
a. Take a shower every other day
b. Eliminate stress
1. Clean my damn room
2. Don't procrastinate
3. Just practice the fucking instruments
c. Get in shape
1. Walk the damn dog
2. Start doing that J. Lo workout again. Clearly, it works.
d. Better posture
2. Become an actress
a. Look into those talent agencies
b. Audition for plays
c. Join the drama club and speech team in high school
1.4.2003
You know, before my CDs got stolen, I thought music was my life. It was the core essence of me. It was necessary for survival. And after my CDs were stolen, I thought this was really my big chance to expand my musical horizon. And though I still love music, I've realized that I love movies even more. I love movies. What else can I say? I live and breathe movies. I don't know why I didn't realize this before. Of course, I'm reluctant to tell anyone because my parents have really been pushing me into this music thing for a long time. But it just doesn't lure me in the way movies do. When I grow up I want to make movies. I want to be in movies. I want to write movies. That's what I really want.
12.30.2002
John,
What I am about to tell you is the positive and negative impact you've had on my life. Please do not torment yourself over this. Because it's not really you. This is actually the positive and negative impact of being in that gifted class for two years.
Before 5th grade, there was of course 4th grade, which I remember well. I was still in Catholic school, still in uniforms. I remember being funny and loud and having a lot of friends and really enjoying my life. I was just myself, and people liked me for that. I ended up switching to public school because I kind of told everyone I was moving to Columbus, which we thought we were, but it kind of fell through. I wanted to avoid the awkward situation of going back to school after the big deal everyone made.
So I decided to go to public school. I have a distinct memory of going into that very bitter and cynical. I guess I was trying to be cool (some girls at my old school had a bit of a problem with my off-the-wall personality), but as soon as I got there I became angry. I had envisioned myself being some kind of immediate all-powerful goddess, but when I got there and saw all those kids who knew each other, and I didn't know anyone, I realized that was not going to happen. To make things worse, this situation presented me with a bit of a different demographic of kids my age. Compared to public school kids, Catholic school kids seemed so...smart and...mature. These public kids hadn't seemed to completely make it over the hump between monkeys and humans. I was clearly more intelligent than I had previously thought. And I was angry because I was smart. Because I KNEW everyone was pretty much a moron and couldn't possibly have the mental capacity to be my friend. The entire 5th grade year was like that. Nobody understood me, and I understood everyone, it seemed. Everyone was so shallow. And I forgot to say why I was angry. I'm pretty much limited to three emotions: angry, happy, and horny. As of fifth grade, horny had not quite developed yet, so I had two emotions. I'm assuming this is from not wanting to be weak, and surely being sad is a weakness. I've always been sort of macho like that. And since I surely wasn't happy, I was angry. I just wanted to fit in. And I couldn't because I had no desire to be around these people (my pickiness always prevails).
I felt even more awkward and out of place when I spent half the day up stairs in the gifted class. I had decided that if these were the smartest people, they surely must be the most interesting. Andrew, Jared, and you became the comic relief in my epic that had recently taken a turn for the worse. The gifted class became the high point of my day. You guys were just so funny and you had so much energy...And I knew that I was just like that. The real me had so much in common with these guys. It was like the light at the end of the tunnel. Real, intelligent people. Not monkeys! Unfortunately, the real me had been buried under the weight I had on my shoulders from the transition between private and public school. I had become so awkward and so far-removed, I didn't even recognize myself anymore (and I had really bad teeth, which never helps).
I'm sure you know what happened next. To put it easily, the light at the end of the tunnel vanished and I fell into a pit, with only my mouth to defend myself against endless verbal abuse. Even though it was pretty rough at the time, I'm for it today because I don't know who I would be without it. Now I don't take shit from anyone, much less a group of pre-pubescent boys.
Things got even worse when the orthodontist jammed two palette expanders in my mouth, then I couldn't even talk. As if the Michigan accent we're enough (it's not strange enough to distinguish, but not normal enough to go completely unnoticed. This is why most people thought I talked "weird").
But even then I still greatly appreciated the most interesting people in my life. Sure, they were constantly putting me down, but the other funny things they did made it worthwhile.
Sixth grade was kind of a transitional year for me. It's when I really started to find myself again. I was more confident, my teeth were straighter, I was funnier, and better at arguing. I stopped hanging out with the emotionally distressing neighborhood girls I had called my friends for the past two years. I began to thing that me being on a higher level than everyone else was a good thing. I discovered I could easily mess with people's minds (I told everyone I was fucking Japanese!). Maybe that whole Japanese thing looked like me trying to get attention, but I just wanted to be unique. Everyone else is Irish or German or whatever. No one was Japanese. So I decided to be Japanese. Funny how I hate Japan now. But my favorite characters in my movie were still the boys in the gifted class, though the cast had grown a bit. I like sixth grade. It was when I finally started to like myself.
I adjusted to seventh grade with considerable ease. I liked the way things worked in Middle School. We were no longer children. We were teenagers. We had 9 periods, 4 minutes in between each. People were always shoving and being rude and hurrying about. Like a miniature version of a city. And I love cities.
Of course, this year there was no gifted class. The cast and location of my little movie changed a lot. But it also remained the same. Now we were in Ms. Kirns's class, where there were more girls than boys. Our teacher was pretty much a pothead and a basket case. I don't remember her teaching anything to us in that class. As always, it became boys against girls. And since you weren't there, Andrew was the ringleader of the boys, with Howard, Ross, Kyle, and Matty as his minions. And I became the ringleader of the girls, with Julia, Kelly, Grace, Carly, Franki, and a bunch of others I can't really remember. We were like a whole, but somehow divided. I think we would all consider ourselves "inside" of an inside joke, but we still argued all the time. I was always head to head against someone. Kyle or Howard would do a terrible impression of me saying "word processer" (though I don't remember where the root of that was), I would do a terrible impression of Howard trying to say something smart, or of Kyle being confused. Andrew and his friends would sing this song they made up about me called "Jap" that went to the tune of "Shaft." I would sing "Walk Like an Egyptian." They would sing "Turning Japanese." I never really had any answer to that one. There aren't very many songs about Egyptians.
These boys became co-stars of my movie (I was now officially billing myself as the star). I'm convinced Andrew knows just as much as I do that we're exactly alike (in a certain sense) but he wont' admit it. He's too stubborn and stuck in his ways.
I'm going to admit it, John, I am completely in love with Andrew. And he fucking hates me. It tears me apart, but there ain't a goddamn thing I can do about it. I think it's also the same thing that holds me together, knowing someday he's really, really going to regret it.
Now I don't have a single class with him. I barely see him, except on Wednesdays because he has a guitar lesson after me. But even then I don't acknowledge his presence. It's very painful. It makes me quite mad. He's in my dreams every night, and it kills me knowing that this is hopelessly a one-sided thing. I hate him for hurting me that way, and I love him in spite of it. I wish I knew why I liked him so much so I could stop.
What I am about to tell you is the positive and negative impact you've had on my life. Please do not torment yourself over this. Because it's not really you. This is actually the positive and negative impact of being in that gifted class for two years.
Before 5th grade, there was of course 4th grade, which I remember well. I was still in Catholic school, still in uniforms. I remember being funny and loud and having a lot of friends and really enjoying my life. I was just myself, and people liked me for that. I ended up switching to public school because I kind of told everyone I was moving to Columbus, which we thought we were, but it kind of fell through. I wanted to avoid the awkward situation of going back to school after the big deal everyone made.
So I decided to go to public school. I have a distinct memory of going into that very bitter and cynical. I guess I was trying to be cool (some girls at my old school had a bit of a problem with my off-the-wall personality), but as soon as I got there I became angry. I had envisioned myself being some kind of immediate all-powerful goddess, but when I got there and saw all those kids who knew each other, and I didn't know anyone, I realized that was not going to happen. To make things worse, this situation presented me with a bit of a different demographic of kids my age. Compared to public school kids, Catholic school kids seemed so...smart and...mature. These public kids hadn't seemed to completely make it over the hump between monkeys and humans. I was clearly more intelligent than I had previously thought. And I was angry because I was smart. Because I KNEW everyone was pretty much a moron and couldn't possibly have the mental capacity to be my friend. The entire 5th grade year was like that. Nobody understood me, and I understood everyone, it seemed. Everyone was so shallow. And I forgot to say why I was angry. I'm pretty much limited to three emotions: angry, happy, and horny. As of fifth grade, horny had not quite developed yet, so I had two emotions. I'm assuming this is from not wanting to be weak, and surely being sad is a weakness. I've always been sort of macho like that. And since I surely wasn't happy, I was angry. I just wanted to fit in. And I couldn't because I had no desire to be around these people (my pickiness always prevails).
I felt even more awkward and out of place when I spent half the day up stairs in the gifted class. I had decided that if these were the smartest people, they surely must be the most interesting. Andrew, Jared, and you became the comic relief in my epic that had recently taken a turn for the worse. The gifted class became the high point of my day. You guys were just so funny and you had so much energy...And I knew that I was just like that. The real me had so much in common with these guys. It was like the light at the end of the tunnel. Real, intelligent people. Not monkeys! Unfortunately, the real me had been buried under the weight I had on my shoulders from the transition between private and public school. I had become so awkward and so far-removed, I didn't even recognize myself anymore (and I had really bad teeth, which never helps).
I'm sure you know what happened next. To put it easily, the light at the end of the tunnel vanished and I fell into a pit, with only my mouth to defend myself against endless verbal abuse. Even though it was pretty rough at the time, I'm for it today because I don't know who I would be without it. Now I don't take shit from anyone, much less a group of pre-pubescent boys.
Things got even worse when the orthodontist jammed two palette expanders in my mouth, then I couldn't even talk. As if the Michigan accent we're enough (it's not strange enough to distinguish, but not normal enough to go completely unnoticed. This is why most people thought I talked "weird").
But even then I still greatly appreciated the most interesting people in my life. Sure, they were constantly putting me down, but the other funny things they did made it worthwhile.
Sixth grade was kind of a transitional year for me. It's when I really started to find myself again. I was more confident, my teeth were straighter, I was funnier, and better at arguing. I stopped hanging out with the emotionally distressing neighborhood girls I had called my friends for the past two years. I began to thing that me being on a higher level than everyone else was a good thing. I discovered I could easily mess with people's minds (I told everyone I was fucking Japanese!). Maybe that whole Japanese thing looked like me trying to get attention, but I just wanted to be unique. Everyone else is Irish or German or whatever. No one was Japanese. So I decided to be Japanese. Funny how I hate Japan now. But my favorite characters in my movie were still the boys in the gifted class, though the cast had grown a bit. I like sixth grade. It was when I finally started to like myself.
I adjusted to seventh grade with considerable ease. I liked the way things worked in Middle School. We were no longer children. We were teenagers. We had 9 periods, 4 minutes in between each. People were always shoving and being rude and hurrying about. Like a miniature version of a city. And I love cities.
Of course, this year there was no gifted class. The cast and location of my little movie changed a lot. But it also remained the same. Now we were in Ms. Kirns's class, where there were more girls than boys. Our teacher was pretty much a pothead and a basket case. I don't remember her teaching anything to us in that class. As always, it became boys against girls. And since you weren't there, Andrew was the ringleader of the boys, with Howard, Ross, Kyle, and Matty as his minions. And I became the ringleader of the girls, with Julia, Kelly, Grace, Carly, Franki, and a bunch of others I can't really remember. We were like a whole, but somehow divided. I think we would all consider ourselves "inside" of an inside joke, but we still argued all the time. I was always head to head against someone. Kyle or Howard would do a terrible impression of me saying "word processer" (though I don't remember where the root of that was), I would do a terrible impression of Howard trying to say something smart, or of Kyle being confused. Andrew and his friends would sing this song they made up about me called "Jap" that went to the tune of "Shaft." I would sing "Walk Like an Egyptian." They would sing "Turning Japanese." I never really had any answer to that one. There aren't very many songs about Egyptians.
These boys became co-stars of my movie (I was now officially billing myself as the star). I'm convinced Andrew knows just as much as I do that we're exactly alike (in a certain sense) but he wont' admit it. He's too stubborn and stuck in his ways.
I'm going to admit it, John, I am completely in love with Andrew. And he fucking hates me. It tears me apart, but there ain't a goddamn thing I can do about it. I think it's also the same thing that holds me together, knowing someday he's really, really going to regret it.
Now I don't have a single class with him. I barely see him, except on Wednesdays because he has a guitar lesson after me. But even then I don't acknowledge his presence. It's very painful. It makes me quite mad. He's in my dreams every night, and it kills me knowing that this is hopelessly a one-sided thing. I hate him for hurting me that way, and I love him in spite of it. I wish I knew why I liked him so much so I could stop.
12.7.2002
I just got back from Grace's house. Carly was there too. I'm not listening to Grace's copy of Abbey Road. Yep, this is pure bliss.
But lately I've been feeling a little unattached from Grace and Carly. When we have our little get-togethers to just hang out, I don't feel like myself. They'll start talking about something like Mrs. Moon or those fifth graders they met, and I just feel excluded. It really sucks. It's like I never see them anymore, but I see them all the time.
Anyhow, here's the conversation I had with Carly when we were sitting on Grace's futon and playing the "Who would you rather do?" game.
ME: "Okay, Luke Skywalker or Han Solo?"
CARLY: "Luke Skywalker."
ME: "Han Solo."
CARLY: "Han Solo wasn't that hot."
ME: "Yes he was. Luke Skywalker wasn't that hot."
CARLY: "...Yes he was."
ME: "Okay. Matt Lauer or Al Roker?"
So last night we went to the dance. I, of course, heavily equipped with camera, ghetto hat, and sassy earrings. They said no hats on the announcements that morning, but nobody said anything to me there, so I just wore it. Note to self: next time wear a bra with straps. Some of my friends got the DJ to play the "Time Warp" from Rocky Horror Picture Show, and it kind of killed the party vibe. Yep, we were the only ones who knew how to do it. And then Jay-Z came on and everyone started dancing again.
Andrew was there. Man, I cannot believe they way I act about that dickhead. I don't even remember why I like him so much anymore. It's just ridiculous. Ri-goddamn-diculous. I HATE HIM. Yep, it pretty much bounces back and forth every 5 seconds. When they were playing that horrible Kelly Clarkson song, I wasn't sure if I wanted to go over there and strangle him or leap into his arms and kiss him. Of course, he would've stepped out of the way and I would have crashed into the wall. So instead, I put my head between my knees and tried not to throw up. But I could've sworn there was a moment, while I was dancing like a ho to "Back in Black" when I saw him watching me. And as I was leaving he was just walking around aimlessly with his hands in his pockets. And as I write this, "I want You" by The Beatles is playing. Perfect. Yep, real clever there. Why must I be so punished?
But lately I've been feeling a little unattached from Grace and Carly. When we have our little get-togethers to just hang out, I don't feel like myself. They'll start talking about something like Mrs. Moon or those fifth graders they met, and I just feel excluded. It really sucks. It's like I never see them anymore, but I see them all the time.
Anyhow, here's the conversation I had with Carly when we were sitting on Grace's futon and playing the "Who would you rather do?" game.
ME: "Okay, Luke Skywalker or Han Solo?"
CARLY: "Luke Skywalker."
ME: "Han Solo."
CARLY: "Han Solo wasn't that hot."
ME: "Yes he was. Luke Skywalker wasn't that hot."
CARLY: "...Yes he was."
ME: "Okay. Matt Lauer or Al Roker?"
So last night we went to the dance. I, of course, heavily equipped with camera, ghetto hat, and sassy earrings. They said no hats on the announcements that morning, but nobody said anything to me there, so I just wore it. Note to self: next time wear a bra with straps. Some of my friends got the DJ to play the "Time Warp" from Rocky Horror Picture Show, and it kind of killed the party vibe. Yep, we were the only ones who knew how to do it. And then Jay-Z came on and everyone started dancing again.
Andrew was there. Man, I cannot believe they way I act about that dickhead. I don't even remember why I like him so much anymore. It's just ridiculous. Ri-goddamn-diculous. I HATE HIM. Yep, it pretty much bounces back and forth every 5 seconds. When they were playing that horrible Kelly Clarkson song, I wasn't sure if I wanted to go over there and strangle him or leap into his arms and kiss him. Of course, he would've stepped out of the way and I would have crashed into the wall. So instead, I put my head between my knees and tried not to throw up. But I could've sworn there was a moment, while I was dancing like a ho to "Back in Black" when I saw him watching me. And as I was leaving he was just walking around aimlessly with his hands in his pockets. And as I write this, "I want You" by The Beatles is playing. Perfect. Yep, real clever there. Why must I be so punished?
12.1.2002
I just found a picture of me in my fifth grade yearbook. It was taken on field day, and it seriously looks like I'm giving the finger. I bet I was. And no one noticed!
11.28.2002
Today was another Harrison Ford day, err, I mean, national holiday. Somehow, whenever it's a holiday like today, I end up somewhere with a TV watching Harrison Ford movies. Not that it's a bad way to spend them. Can I help it that every channel plays Harrison Ford movies all day? Nope. Can I help it that I feel compelled to watch the all? What woman can?
If only the religious ones could be spent in such an enjoyable way! But alas, only on "Indy-pendence" Day and "Thank God for Harrison Ford" Day can such a feast commence.
Grace comes home in two days! Yippie!
If only the religious ones could be spent in such an enjoyable way! But alas, only on "Indy-pendence" Day and "Thank God for Harrison Ford" Day can such a feast commence.
Grace comes home in two days! Yippie!
11.14.2002
Oh God. You know, I really thought I was over Andrew! I had totally convinced myself of it. But yesterday I was coming out of my guitar lesson...and he was standing there looking at me. I only gave him a glance, but I was smiling when I did it. And today Grace wrote me a note from a class she has with him and she told me he was making everyone laugh...God, I am fucking pathetic. You know, this is the first time in 3 years I haven't been on the inside of any of those jokes. I feel left out. And I HATE to say this, but I miss him. But you know, it's not like we were ever FRIENDS or anything. We were enemies - but the sexual tension was there, but it was one-sided. I don't even dare to dream it wasn't. The stitches in my chest and have been ripped open to a surgical wound infection. Why must I carry around this stupid broken heart?
I can't tell a soul. Fuck, I'm getting nauseous. What the hell is this? BUTTERFLIES IN MY STOMACH?! I'm sweating. This is ri-goddamn-diculous.
No one can know I still have any feelings for him other than hate. No one can know I HAVE feelings! It would only make things worse! It would be like blood thinner! They'd feed me shit intravenously about how I could call him or some other bullshit. I DON'T WANT TO CALL HIM. I DON'T WANT HIM TO BE MY BOYFRIEND! I JUST WANT TO GET OVER HIM. Then they'd say I need a boyfriend. But deep down inside, I know that not even Korey could save me from this load.
I can't tell a soul. Fuck, I'm getting nauseous. What the hell is this? BUTTERFLIES IN MY STOMACH?! I'm sweating. This is ri-goddamn-diculous.
No one can know I still have any feelings for him other than hate. No one can know I HAVE feelings! It would only make things worse! It would be like blood thinner! They'd feed me shit intravenously about how I could call him or some other bullshit. I DON'T WANT TO CALL HIM. I DON'T WANT HIM TO BE MY BOYFRIEND! I JUST WANT TO GET OVER HIM. Then they'd say I need a boyfriend. But deep down inside, I know that not even Korey could save me from this load.
11.11.2002
This is supposed to relieve stress, writing for 20 minutes about something. Am I stressed out? I might be. Perhaps this huge canker sore on my lip will tell me...
So, let's see...what happened today?
Oh, who the hell am I kidding? I'm bummed out because Ross got moved in history. We used to sit next to each other in the back corner and talk ALL THE TIME. Marissa sat by us for a period of time, but she got moved because she was always turned around talking to us...I mean ROSS! That 2 people sitting by me who were moved...hmmm...Mrs. Confer hasn't figured out that I'm the culprit! Hahaha! And it's not like it will help matters now that Lauren will be sitting next to me. But I will miss hanging out with Ross...But I still sit by Korey (wink wink).
Korey is so nice. I honestly do not know a boy that is nicer than Korey. I thought about it for a while today, and no guy even comes close. He is a nice person. That is more than OTHER PEOPLE can say. Like, uh, Andrew. Who I haven't talked to since July.
You know, Marissa isn't that bad. I used to hate her last year in gym class. But I started talking to her this year and realized, "Hey, she's a person after all." Today I found out she hated me last year in gym class too, but now she thinks I'm the coolest person in the history class. I love people who just admit that I'm wicked awesome!
Maybe Korey should!
So, let's see...what happened today?
Oh, who the hell am I kidding? I'm bummed out because Ross got moved in history. We used to sit next to each other in the back corner and talk ALL THE TIME. Marissa sat by us for a period of time, but she got moved because she was always turned around talking to us...I mean ROSS! That 2 people sitting by me who were moved...hmmm...Mrs. Confer hasn't figured out that I'm the culprit! Hahaha! And it's not like it will help matters now that Lauren will be sitting next to me. But I will miss hanging out with Ross...But I still sit by Korey (wink wink).
Korey is so nice. I honestly do not know a boy that is nicer than Korey. I thought about it for a while today, and no guy even comes close. He is a nice person. That is more than OTHER PEOPLE can say. Like, uh, Andrew. Who I haven't talked to since July.
You know, Marissa isn't that bad. I used to hate her last year in gym class. But I started talking to her this year and realized, "Hey, she's a person after all." Today I found out she hated me last year in gym class too, but now she thinks I'm the coolest person in the history class. I love people who just admit that I'm wicked awesome!
Maybe Korey should!
11.10.2002
Wanna hear something that sucks so hard, so bad, and wicked bad? All of my favorite CDs were stolen on Wednesday! AAAHHH!!!! Is there no justice?! I still have like 20 CDs, but the reason they weren't in my CD case is because they suck. So now I must listen to records and the radio. Life is horrible.
Damn it. Kelly Clarkson is on 2 stations at the same time, and Justin Timberlake is on another one. There truly is no justice
I was so mentally devastated I couldn't even go to school on Friday.
Fuck. Alicia Keys. I MISS MY CDS!
Damn it. Kelly Clarkson is on 2 stations at the same time, and Justin Timberlake is on another one. There truly is no justice
I was so mentally devastated I couldn't even go to school on Friday.
Fuck. Alicia Keys. I MISS MY CDS!
11.4.2002
Celebrity Rape List (in no particular order)
Goran Visnjic
George Clooney
Mekhi Phifer
Noah Wyle
Don Cheadle
Brad Pitt
Harrison Ford
Paul McCartney
Sean Connery
Lenny Kravitz
That guy that got arrested in Barbershop
Goran Visnjic
George Clooney
Mekhi Phifer
Noah Wyle
Don Cheadle
Brad Pitt
Harrison Ford
Paul McCartney
Sean Connery
Lenny Kravitz
That guy that got arrested in Barbershop
10.27.2002
Total units left in day: 7
1 unit = 30 minutes
1 unit guitar
2 units homework
2 units American Dreams
2 units beautifying
------------------------
7 units
1 unit = 30 minutes
1 unit guitar
2 units homework
2 units American Dreams
2 units beautifying
------------------------
7 units
10.20.2002
I think I write songs from a very interesting standpoint. In most songs you get a shred of insecurity mixed in there - in songs that have to do with relationships. The Andrew song is different though. Relationship songs generally come in one of two packages: lovey-dovey, and "look how sexy and single I am!" Ex., lovey-dovey: "Love, love me do. You know I love you. I'll always be true..." Ex., "Look how sexy and single I am!": "Now that you're out of my life, I'm so much better. You thought that I'd be weak without you, but I'm stronger." I just remember another type: "I'm so depressed because of you (or me)!" Ex.: "I can't say that you love me, so I cry and I'm hurting..." But the Andrew song is interestingly enough a combination of the three, without the insecurity. Each normal example is insecure, the first being clinging to another person, the second being, "If you're so OK and over someone, then why do you have to write a hit song to tell them how you feel?" and the third being obvious. But the Andrew song just says, "I liked you, but then I realized you're a dillhole, which is really a shame, because we have so much in common. But it was your call, and you blew it."
I think I like that aspect of songwriting.
In a past life I was Julius Caesar's ho. So I guess what I gotta do in this life is find Julius Caesar, reincarnated. I think John Lennon might have been Caesar, but I'm not sure.
I think I like that aspect of songwriting.
In a past life I was Julius Caesar's ho. So I guess what I gotta do in this life is find Julius Caesar, reincarnated. I think John Lennon might have been Caesar, but I'm not sure.
10.16.2002
I'm in a hole
Give me your hand if you wanna help me out
Please don't reach for your shovel
I'm really not like anyone else
Deep down I hate you
I wonder if you hate me too
But on the outside let's be friends
I really hate to be alone
Please nobody judge me
This is a difficult stage in my life
I am torn between my extroverted narcissism
And my dormant introverted side
Nobody knows that it's there
But it's not like anybody cares
I hate these days that I feel that everyone else
But I don't shed a tear
Serial sniper- speaks for the deer. I AM THE DORAX!
Fighting Martha Stewart
Gee Wiz, I sure don't write very often. And I was planning on documenting this entire year. Ha! Let me sum up something: I hate EVERYONE IN THE WORLD! This hatred has probably spawned from the fact that I am having my period and my right boob is causing me intense pain.
Thank God ER will be on in ten minutes.
Give me your hand if you wanna help me out
Please don't reach for your shovel
I'm really not like anyone else
Deep down I hate you
I wonder if you hate me too
But on the outside let's be friends
I really hate to be alone
Please nobody judge me
This is a difficult stage in my life
I am torn between my extroverted narcissism
And my dormant introverted side
Nobody knows that it's there
But it's not like anybody cares
I hate these days that I feel that everyone else
But I don't shed a tear
Serial sniper- speaks for the deer. I AM THE DORAX!
Fighting Martha Stewart
Gee Wiz, I sure don't write very often. And I was planning on documenting this entire year. Ha! Let me sum up something: I hate EVERYONE IN THE WORLD! This hatred has probably spawned from the fact that I am having my period and my right boob is causing me intense pain.
Thank God ER will be on in ten minutes.
10.8.2002
Noun song for English to the tune of "Island in the Sun" by Weezer
Hip hip Hip hip
When you're in language arts
And you need to make up songs
All the words that come to you
Well, none of them are nouns
Since we can't think of words
To make up this song
Now we'll just start singing nouns that make no sense at all
Bob, Bill
Hair, shirt
Pencil, dog, button, shoe
Belarus, line, drew
Sadness, hope, cheer, health, boy
Table, ring, Croatia, boy
Pumpkin, goat, frenum, book
Tiger, island, eye, hook
And now we've sang enough nouns to end the song
Hip Hip
Hip Hipppppp
Hip hip Hip hip
When you're in language arts
And you need to make up songs
All the words that come to you
Well, none of them are nouns
Since we can't think of words
To make up this song
Now we'll just start singing nouns that make no sense at all
Bob, Bill
Hair, shirt
Pencil, dog, button, shoe
Belarus, line, drew
Sadness, hope, cheer, health, boy
Table, ring, Croatia, boy
Pumpkin, goat, frenum, book
Tiger, island, eye, hook
And now we've sang enough nouns to end the song
Hip Hip
Hip Hipppppp
1.7.2002
Can you feel the pain tonight? I had my first surgical procedure done today! A frenectomy! Oh, it was beautiful, my friend. They vaporized my frenum with a laser! I don't think I'll be attending school tomorrow.
Before the novocaine wore off, Dubya and I were going up the driveway, and when he dropped the mail in my lap, Luka was peeking out under the newspaper! The cast of ER (well, actually, just Luka, Carter, Pratt, and Abby) were on the cover of The TV Guide. Yippie skippy!
Mr. Nord said, "Uh-oh, spaghetti-o" today. I was afraid.
Before the novocaine wore off, Dubya and I were going up the driveway, and when he dropped the mail in my lap, Luka was peeking out under the newspaper! The cast of ER (well, actually, just Luka, Carter, Pratt, and Abby) were on the cover of The TV Guide. Yippie skippy!
Mr. Nord said, "Uh-oh, spaghetti-o" today. I was afraid.
9.26.2002
Today is national cheesy joke day! Did you hear about the new pirate movie? It's rated ARRR!
Sax tryouts went extremely well. But how much can I trust my own judgement? For God's sake, I'm an extreme narcissist. I just love that word. Unfortunately, my chair will not be changed, even though I think I AT LEAST deserve 4th. But I'll be 5th. Shit.
Today was MUST SEE TV THURSDAY! SEASON PREMIERES!
FRIENDS: Very entertaining. I was very pleased with it. But I just wish Joey and Rachel would get together!
SCRUBS: Is it just me, or was everyone wearing different colored scrubs than what they wore last year? And where is Turk's mustache? Pretty funny, but not quite the show I used to watch. But you gotta give them some credit, they were good enough to be after Friends. And plus, it's the season premiere of their second season. Always a toughy.
WILL AND GRACE: This is the end, I'm telling you. This show needs help. I had to turn it off, it was so awful.
GOOD MORNING MIAMI: Forget about it.
ER: Holy sweet goddamn! I cannot believe Rocket Romano's arm got chopped off, by a chopper! He was just going to pick up a chart, and SWACK! His arm was in one place and he was in another. He owes a lot of thanks to Luka. So Abby and Carter are together. That's good. In reruns I'm in the ones now where Abby's mom has lost it again and Abby and Carter were on a road trip with her. I just don't think Abby (and Carol) appreciated Luka enough. He is the perfect man for the following reasons:
1. He's a doctor.
2. He's gorgeous.
3. He has an accent.
4. He's sensitive.
5. See #2.
Hehehe. I think Jing-Mei and Pratt should hook up. I was glad to see that they added Mekhi Phifer to the cast. He's hot too.
Sax tryouts went extremely well. But how much can I trust my own judgement? For God's sake, I'm an extreme narcissist. I just love that word. Unfortunately, my chair will not be changed, even though I think I AT LEAST deserve 4th. But I'll be 5th. Shit.
Today was MUST SEE TV THURSDAY! SEASON PREMIERES!
FRIENDS: Very entertaining. I was very pleased with it. But I just wish Joey and Rachel would get together!
SCRUBS: Is it just me, or was everyone wearing different colored scrubs than what they wore last year? And where is Turk's mustache? Pretty funny, but not quite the show I used to watch. But you gotta give them some credit, they were good enough to be after Friends. And plus, it's the season premiere of their second season. Always a toughy.
WILL AND GRACE: This is the end, I'm telling you. This show needs help. I had to turn it off, it was so awful.
GOOD MORNING MIAMI: Forget about it.
ER: Holy sweet goddamn! I cannot believe Rocket Romano's arm got chopped off, by a chopper! He was just going to pick up a chart, and SWACK! His arm was in one place and he was in another. He owes a lot of thanks to Luka. So Abby and Carter are together. That's good. In reruns I'm in the ones now where Abby's mom has lost it again and Abby and Carter were on a road trip with her. I just don't think Abby (and Carol) appreciated Luka enough. He is the perfect man for the following reasons:
1. He's a doctor.
2. He's gorgeous.
3. He has an accent.
4. He's sensitive.
5. See #2.
Hehehe. I think Jing-Mei and Pratt should hook up. I was glad to see that they added Mekhi Phifer to the cast. He's hot too.
9.25.2002
Well, I've been continuing a trend of not writing. It just doesn't seem to fit in. Though I wish it would because I want to remember all of this.
I was supposed to audition yesterday, but my sax broke. So I have to go tomorrow instead. Reid fixed my sax today when I had a lesson. But I'm afraid everyone will think I can't play, which isn't true. I'm actually so GREAT! So now I can't have my chair changed, but I think if I could I would've been bumped up to 4th.
I joined the yearbook starff because I was displeased with last year's yearbook. THEY SPELLED MY NAME WRONG!
Still on that quest for soul. Grace and I saw Barbershop the first weekend it was out. We were the only white people in the theater.
In an attempt not to be a total prude, I was flirting with Matt C. online yesterday. Flirting is surprisingly not that hard. He seemed pretty responsive. Hehehehe.
I feel artsy.
Ashley C. is a dillhole. She was encouraging a laughing class to stop laughing at Grace and I by saying, "It's not that funny, you guys!" She's just jealous because she didn't get it. It's the boys from Ms. Kirn's class all over again.
I started listening to the Fiona Apple CD I bought a long time ago. I actually really like it. It's got some soul.
Ta.
I was supposed to audition yesterday, but my sax broke. So I have to go tomorrow instead. Reid fixed my sax today when I had a lesson. But I'm afraid everyone will think I can't play, which isn't true. I'm actually so GREAT! So now I can't have my chair changed, but I think if I could I would've been bumped up to 4th.
I joined the yearbook starff because I was displeased with last year's yearbook. THEY SPELLED MY NAME WRONG!
Still on that quest for soul. Grace and I saw Barbershop the first weekend it was out. We were the only white people in the theater.
In an attempt not to be a total prude, I was flirting with Matt C. online yesterday. Flirting is surprisingly not that hard. He seemed pretty responsive. Hehehehe.
I feel artsy.
Ashley C. is a dillhole. She was encouraging a laughing class to stop laughing at Grace and I by saying, "It's not that funny, you guys!" She's just jealous because she didn't get it. It's the boys from Ms. Kirn's class all over again.
I started listening to the Fiona Apple CD I bought a long time ago. I actually really like it. It's got some soul.
Ta.
9.13.2002 3:14 pm
After we got off the plane we went into town to see the Arch and get some lunch. The arch was huge! And cool. I wish we would've had some film...
For lunch we went to Morgan Street Brewery. Because, you know, the whole Morgan thing. I have duck raviolis.
Now we're driving around out here in Nowhere, Missouri. Apparently we're driving in the right direction if we want to go to Hannibal. It's just 9 miles ahead. On the right here we have New London. We're stopping here to get gas. And hear me you, this does not look like London. Stopping at Abel's Quik Shop. Abel is so quick (s)he forgot the "c" in quick.
For lunch we went to Morgan Street Brewery. Because, you know, the whole Morgan thing. I have duck raviolis.
Now we're driving around out here in Nowhere, Missouri. Apparently we're driving in the right direction if we want to go to Hannibal. It's just 9 miles ahead. On the right here we have New London. We're stopping here to get gas. And hear me you, this does not look like London. Stopping at Abel's Quik Shop. Abel is so quick (s)he forgot the "c" in quick.
9.13.2002
Writing from a plane flying to St. Louis from Cleveland on Friday the 13th. Trying to think of a way to start Consiglio's career paper. Nothing outside the window except for the wing and miles of fields. I need to work on my paper.
Possible career paths:
- musician
- actress (preferably playing a doctor on ER)
- comedian
- TV or movie writer
We just flew over the clouds. "What happened to the world?" Nanny asked.
Where I shall live:
- New Orleans, Louisiana. It's hot, and it's so humid it rains every day. But it's still nice. Also, wicked blues scene. And food.
- New York, New York. Guess why. Because it's HUGE and it has so much culture and entertainment...
- Grace insists on moving to Detroit, but I'm reluctant mostly because of how damn cold it is there. Also, I used to live nearby. And it's too close to Ohio.
Colleen the family member:
- As a spouse. It will probably take me a while to find Mr. Right because I am going to be picky. I'm picky now. "I can't like that." But once I'm married I'll probably try to split everything evenly between me and my husband (hehehe) like laundry But he'll have to load the dishwasher. And cook. And set the table and vacuum.
- As a mom. Hahahahahahaha. I have little tolerance for pain and even littler patience, so one will be enough for me. My friends think I'd be a horrible mom, but I'd like to think otherwise. I'll show them, I'll show them all! MWAHAHAHAHA!
- Colleen the grandma. Let's not go there.
- Colleen the neighbor. It depends on who my neighbor is. If I think they're cool, then I'll be the fun neighbor. If I think they're uptight, I'll be their horribly annoying neighbor from hell. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Why I can't write this stupid paper:
- I can't remember the rest of the questions on that sheet.
- I don't plan my future. I have some goals (such as my career aspirations). I have some dreams (skip across a state). But I don't wanna look back on all the things I wanted to do, and then be upset about the things I didn't do. I figure, if I don't make a written record of all this, then when I'm older I'll appreciate the things I did do, and not be reminded of the things I didn't. Because I know I'll dwell on them. But since this is for a grade, I guess I'll have to go against my will.
Colleen's paper:
I'd just like to explain one thing before I move on to telling all my hopes and dreams. I don't plan my future. I have goals, some idiotic (such as skipping across a small state), some serious (such as...uh...I'll have to get back to you on that one). But I don't dream of becoming a rock star. Becoming a rock star is a goal that started as a dream, because you work towards a goal, and that is what I do. But like I said, I don't plan my future. I go with the flow. I believe in destiny, or fate, or God's special plan, whatever you want to call it. Whatever happens, happens, and I can only do so much to control it. Also, I don't want to have a written record of everything I wanted to do in my life, because I don't want to look back on it later and be upset about the things I didn't do. I know I'll dwell on it. Instead, I want to look back and be happy about what I did do, whether or not it was on my list.
There's the Mississippi!
Possible career paths:
- musician
- actress (preferably playing a doctor on ER)
- comedian
- TV or movie writer
We just flew over the clouds. "What happened to the world?" Nanny asked.
Where I shall live:
- New Orleans, Louisiana. It's hot, and it's so humid it rains every day. But it's still nice. Also, wicked blues scene. And food.
- New York, New York. Guess why. Because it's HUGE and it has so much culture and entertainment...
- Grace insists on moving to Detroit, but I'm reluctant mostly because of how damn cold it is there. Also, I used to live nearby. And it's too close to Ohio.
Colleen the family member:
- As a spouse. It will probably take me a while to find Mr. Right because I am going to be picky. I'm picky now. "I can't like that." But once I'm married I'll probably try to split everything evenly between me and my husband (hehehe) like laundry But he'll have to load the dishwasher. And cook. And set the table and vacuum.
- As a mom. Hahahahahahaha. I have little tolerance for pain and even littler patience, so one will be enough for me. My friends think I'd be a horrible mom, but I'd like to think otherwise. I'll show them, I'll show them all! MWAHAHAHAHA!
- Colleen the grandma. Let's not go there.
- Colleen the neighbor. It depends on who my neighbor is. If I think they're cool, then I'll be the fun neighbor. If I think they're uptight, I'll be their horribly annoying neighbor from hell. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Why I can't write this stupid paper:
- I can't remember the rest of the questions on that sheet.
- I don't plan my future. I have some goals (such as my career aspirations). I have some dreams (skip across a state). But I don't wanna look back on all the things I wanted to do, and then be upset about the things I didn't do. I figure, if I don't make a written record of all this, then when I'm older I'll appreciate the things I did do, and not be reminded of the things I didn't. Because I know I'll dwell on them. But since this is for a grade, I guess I'll have to go against my will.
Colleen's paper:
I'd just like to explain one thing before I move on to telling all my hopes and dreams. I don't plan my future. I have goals, some idiotic (such as skipping across a small state), some serious (such as...uh...I'll have to get back to you on that one). But I don't dream of becoming a rock star. Becoming a rock star is a goal that started as a dream, because you work towards a goal, and that is what I do. But like I said, I don't plan my future. I go with the flow. I believe in destiny, or fate, or God's special plan, whatever you want to call it. Whatever happens, happens, and I can only do so much to control it. Also, I don't want to have a written record of everything I wanted to do in my life, because I don't want to look back on it later and be upset about the things I didn't do. I know I'll dwell on it. Instead, I want to look back and be happy about what I did do, whether or not it was on my list.
There's the Mississippi!
9.12.2002
I got my saxophone today. It's not that hard, except I think there's something wrong with G key. But anyhow...
Well I just watched the ER where Dr. Green dies. So that's pretty much all I've got on my mind right now.
Ta.
Well I just watched the ER where Dr. Green dies. So that's pretty much all I've got on my mind right now.
Ta.
9.11.2002
And that was my 9-11 salute.
Today was a bit strange. First of all, everyone was wearing red white and blue. The whole student body in the same colors. Then when we had a moment of silence, it was actually silent. Things that otherwise wouldn't have happened under different circumstances.
I was boycotting TV today to avoid the relentless 9-11 coverage on major networks. And with the exception of Mrs. Consiglio's class and watching the weather channel briefly, I succeeded.
But all in all, it was very nauseating.
I've got a patriotic calendar and a 14 foot American flag. I think I'm set on patriotism for the next 10 years.
So anyhow. Get this. On Monday at 5:30 I walked into Fame for my guitar lesson. And this place is hoppin'. There are a ton of people htere that I know. Including, that's right, Andrew. Ack. So then Ian (Collin's older brother who is very funny and works at the desk) tells me Rick already has a 5:30 and my lesson is at 6. And guess who has the 5:30 guitar lesson. That's right, you guessed it, Andrew. Ack. I simply cannot believe this, ANDREW PLAYING GUITAR?! ACK!
Later on, at 6, I was sitting there complaining to Rick about how painfully high clarinet is and how I hate it. Then (like usual) he said, "Why don't you play saxophone? It's only a step away from clarinet." And all of a sudden, it sounded like a great idea! So on Tuesday, without telling anyone else my secret plan, I told Mr. Stimple that I wanted to switch to saxophone. He agreed, probably because we had 14 saxes last year, and now there are 4. And tomorrow is my last day as a clarinet in the school band. Today Reed found me a sax and showed me how similar they are. The fingering on the sax is the same as the upper octave on the clarinet. And the sax has an octave key instead of a register key.
The other day a nun cut me and Mom off at five points. What's the world coming to?!
My lifetime growing pattern: hurry up and get short.
Today was a bit strange. First of all, everyone was wearing red white and blue. The whole student body in the same colors. Then when we had a moment of silence, it was actually silent. Things that otherwise wouldn't have happened under different circumstances.
I was boycotting TV today to avoid the relentless 9-11 coverage on major networks. And with the exception of Mrs. Consiglio's class and watching the weather channel briefly, I succeeded.
But all in all, it was very nauseating.
I've got a patriotic calendar and a 14 foot American flag. I think I'm set on patriotism for the next 10 years.
So anyhow. Get this. On Monday at 5:30 I walked into Fame for my guitar lesson. And this place is hoppin'. There are a ton of people htere that I know. Including, that's right, Andrew. Ack. So then Ian (Collin's older brother who is very funny and works at the desk) tells me Rick already has a 5:30 and my lesson is at 6. And guess who has the 5:30 guitar lesson. That's right, you guessed it, Andrew. Ack. I simply cannot believe this, ANDREW PLAYING GUITAR?! ACK!
Later on, at 6, I was sitting there complaining to Rick about how painfully high clarinet is and how I hate it. Then (like usual) he said, "Why don't you play saxophone? It's only a step away from clarinet." And all of a sudden, it sounded like a great idea! So on Tuesday, without telling anyone else my secret plan, I told Mr. Stimple that I wanted to switch to saxophone. He agreed, probably because we had 14 saxes last year, and now there are 4. And tomorrow is my last day as a clarinet in the school band. Today Reed found me a sax and showed me how similar they are. The fingering on the sax is the same as the upper octave on the clarinet. And the sax has an octave key instead of a register key.
The other day a nun cut me and Mom off at five points. What's the world coming to?!
My lifetime growing pattern: hurry up and get short.
9.10.2002
Just a Tuesday Re-Write
(verse 1)
I've face a million fears in my young life
But nothing has scared my like this
Thanking God that I'm alive
And feeling for people I don't know but I know I'll miss
(chorus)
I hardly cry ever
But now's just one of those times
Hell is going all around me
I feel the burning inside
Cuz I know that people have died
And my world is falling apart
(verse 2)
I heard the screams and I saw the blood
As I watched America's televised terror
I looked at the sky
There wasn't a plane
If this is today, then what is tomorrow?
(chorus)
Today was just a Tuesday
Just a bright and sunny morning
And when the sun had set
Today changed so many things
But you can't shake the spirit of America
They won't get to me
(bridge)
Tears don't count for much
So what are we going to do now?
These headlines will turn into history
So what will tomorrow bring?
(chorus)
Today was such a nightmare
The end of so many dreams
And in the end what went down
Stood for so many things
But we'll still be stronger that ever
Home of the brave
(verse 1)
I've face a million fears in my young life
But nothing has scared my like this
Thanking God that I'm alive
And feeling for people I don't know but I know I'll miss
(chorus)
I hardly cry ever
But now's just one of those times
Hell is going all around me
I feel the burning inside
Cuz I know that people have died
And my world is falling apart
(verse 2)
I heard the screams and I saw the blood
As I watched America's televised terror
I looked at the sky
There wasn't a plane
If this is today, then what is tomorrow?
(chorus)
Today was just a Tuesday
Just a bright and sunny morning
And when the sun had set
Today changed so many things
But you can't shake the spirit of America
They won't get to me
(bridge)
Tears don't count for much
So what are we going to do now?
These headlines will turn into history
So what will tomorrow bring?
(chorus)
Today was such a nightmare
The end of so many dreams
And in the end what went down
Stood for so many things
But we'll still be stronger that ever
Home of the brave
9.4.2002 10:11pm
Today was considerably better. But once I saw how many people were in my gym class, I knew something had to go. So I saw the guidance counselor and told her I wanted to drop out of choir (this was to the approval of Mr. Brungard, who REALLY didn't want a class with 60 girls). We switch back and forth with choir and gym, so I have gym on Monday, Wednesday and Friday and choir on Tuesday and Thursday. Now that I'm out of choir, though, I'll have study hall in its place.
Today I was a little familiar with the people in my classes, but tomorrow I'll have a few changes.
Today I was a little familiar with the people in my classes, but tomorrow I'll have a few changes.
9.3.2002 8:31 pm
Holy sweet goddamn! There's a gigantic thunderstorm! Well, not that big, but it was big. And now the power is out. I'm writing this by candlelight.
Welllll. As for HMS. And not the once a month kind. No, I spent 7 hours of my day at HOLLAND MIDDLE SCHOOL! Ack. It was really interesting...NOT. In homeroom there was this guy sitting next to me named Dominic, who was new. So, seeing as how he was new, I said, "Where are you from?"
"Holland."
"Where?"
And he tells me the street.
"No, I mean, where did you move from?"
Well, it turns out, he's lived in Holland his whole life! He's just been homeschooled. I felt bad for him. Today must've been rough on him.
Not much happened in art. So let's move on.
Second period is algebra with Mr. Nord, who shaves his arms. This is the only class I have with Grace. I don't even have LUNCH with her. So that sucks wicked bad. Mr. Nord talks really loud. Last year I had him for homeroom ad it was like "WAKE UP WITH NORD!"
The lights are flashing! Ack! They stopped. Poopy.
So Mr. Nord wanted us to fill out these cards and write the name we wanted to be called. I was tempted to write "Koleniqua" (later on, when I talked to Grace on the phone, she said she was thinking of writing "Gracequeda" and was wondering if I was thinking the same). Then Mr. Nord went on and on like one of those teachers in Charlie Brown.
Third I had choir. THAT was different. I get the feeling that some girls sign up for choir just to talk to their friends. Not me, though. I signed up to sing. So there are these goofballs in the back row singing like idiots, and loudly. I was put in the short people row, of course.
Then I had lunch. We were all situated around a big, round table when two girls got up to buy food. Then the lunch lady came and took their seats claiming we had too many at our table! So then they came back, with nowhere to sit. Being the horrible, bitter, cold bitch that I am, I volunteered to go over to Lucie's table and sit with them until we figured this out. Lauren came with me. It was kind of funny. Hopefully tomorrow I'll sit with other 8th graders.
At recess (for some reason I still call it this, mostly because of a lack of anything else to call it), Mr. Nord and Mr. Brungrad gave us the standard run-through of the rules, just like last year. Except this time I wasn't coughing up juice. I had already asked Lauren if Kevin was in our lunch period. She said she didn't think so. So here we are, bored in the bleachers, when Kevin comes waltzing in. So, of course, I was like, "Hey Kevin!" and he was like "Hey Colleen!" And then Jessie, the one who smells like tartar sauce, said, "I though I finally got rid of him!" She obviously did not support the whole Lauren/Kevin thing. I think Lauren was so surprised she almost peed her pants. So Kevin and I were talking and I told him how Grace told me that her friend Clinton (who has his own record label) would like to record us when we start practicing. Yippie!
Fifth was American history. Now, I loved world history. But American? I don't think so. It's just an in-depth look at the same 200 years over and over again. ACK.
Sixth was survey of global languages and cultures with Mrs. Price. But we learn a little Spanish, French, and Latin. Where's the German? The Portuguese? The Japanese? I have no idea.
Seventh was science with Mr. Kyle. Now, Mr. Kyle says he wants us to be honest. He wants us to tell the truth. So when he asked who doesn't like science, my hand shot up. Luckily, many others did also. Then he says he hopes that by the end of the year, he'll have changed our minds. Then he goes on to say there will be no dissection or biology, which were the only things the least bit interesting in science. So this year we'll just be learning about things like mass and energy. Somebody shoot me please.
Eighth is band. We got our audition music. Surprisingly, it doesn't look that rough. I can't wait to move away from Allyson. She's always freaking out and throwing tantrums. She needs to take a Ritalin.
Then I had English with Consiglio. She'll probably give the most homework. One of those teachers who wants you to be organized, you know how that is.
So when I got home I crashed on my mom's bed and watched the tape of ER she made for me, since I am so addicted I can't miss an episode. I had been watching two episodes every morning all summer, and I'm still not caught up. I have two years to go. But the one where Carter and Lucy get stabbed was on today. It was cool. I don't know what everyone's problem with Lucy was. I thought she was fine. What was the big deal?
Wish me luck tomorrow!
Welllll. As for HMS. And not the once a month kind. No, I spent 7 hours of my day at HOLLAND MIDDLE SCHOOL! Ack. It was really interesting...NOT. In homeroom there was this guy sitting next to me named Dominic, who was new. So, seeing as how he was new, I said, "Where are you from?"
"Holland."
"Where?"
And he tells me the street.
"No, I mean, where did you move from?"
Well, it turns out, he's lived in Holland his whole life! He's just been homeschooled. I felt bad for him. Today must've been rough on him.
Not much happened in art. So let's move on.
Second period is algebra with Mr. Nord, who shaves his arms. This is the only class I have with Grace. I don't even have LUNCH with her. So that sucks wicked bad. Mr. Nord talks really loud. Last year I had him for homeroom ad it was like "WAKE UP WITH NORD!"
The lights are flashing! Ack! They stopped. Poopy.
So Mr. Nord wanted us to fill out these cards and write the name we wanted to be called. I was tempted to write "Koleniqua" (later on, when I talked to Grace on the phone, she said she was thinking of writing "Gracequeda" and was wondering if I was thinking the same). Then Mr. Nord went on and on like one of those teachers in Charlie Brown.
Third I had choir. THAT was different. I get the feeling that some girls sign up for choir just to talk to their friends. Not me, though. I signed up to sing. So there are these goofballs in the back row singing like idiots, and loudly. I was put in the short people row, of course.
Then I had lunch. We were all situated around a big, round table when two girls got up to buy food. Then the lunch lady came and took their seats claiming we had too many at our table! So then they came back, with nowhere to sit. Being the horrible, bitter, cold bitch that I am, I volunteered to go over to Lucie's table and sit with them until we figured this out. Lauren came with me. It was kind of funny. Hopefully tomorrow I'll sit with other 8th graders.
At recess (for some reason I still call it this, mostly because of a lack of anything else to call it), Mr. Nord and Mr. Brungrad gave us the standard run-through of the rules, just like last year. Except this time I wasn't coughing up juice. I had already asked Lauren if Kevin was in our lunch period. She said she didn't think so. So here we are, bored in the bleachers, when Kevin comes waltzing in. So, of course, I was like, "Hey Kevin!" and he was like "Hey Colleen!" And then Jessie, the one who smells like tartar sauce, said, "I though I finally got rid of him!" She obviously did not support the whole Lauren/Kevin thing. I think Lauren was so surprised she almost peed her pants. So Kevin and I were talking and I told him how Grace told me that her friend Clinton (who has his own record label) would like to record us when we start practicing. Yippie!
Fifth was American history. Now, I loved world history. But American? I don't think so. It's just an in-depth look at the same 200 years over and over again. ACK.
Sixth was survey of global languages and cultures with Mrs. Price. But we learn a little Spanish, French, and Latin. Where's the German? The Portuguese? The Japanese? I have no idea.
Seventh was science with Mr. Kyle. Now, Mr. Kyle says he wants us to be honest. He wants us to tell the truth. So when he asked who doesn't like science, my hand shot up. Luckily, many others did also. Then he says he hopes that by the end of the year, he'll have changed our minds. Then he goes on to say there will be no dissection or biology, which were the only things the least bit interesting in science. So this year we'll just be learning about things like mass and energy. Somebody shoot me please.
Eighth is band. We got our audition music. Surprisingly, it doesn't look that rough. I can't wait to move away from Allyson. She's always freaking out and throwing tantrums. She needs to take a Ritalin.
Then I had English with Consiglio. She'll probably give the most homework. One of those teachers who wants you to be organized, you know how that is.
So when I got home I crashed on my mom's bed and watched the tape of ER she made for me, since I am so addicted I can't miss an episode. I had been watching two episodes every morning all summer, and I'm still not caught up. I have two years to go. But the one where Carter and Lucy get stabbed was on today. It was cool. I don't know what everyone's problem with Lucy was. I thought she was fine. What was the big deal?
Wish me luck tomorrow!
9.1.2002 10:00?
HOLY SHIT! HOLY SWEET GODDAMN! It's September! I better change my Weezer calendar...That's a good picture of Rivers. He looks like a bitter cold hermit but he makes it look good. Heehee. And that patriotic calendar has a picture of Ground Zero smoking. Wonderful.
8.31.2002 11:05 pm
Recording every darndest part of 8th grade. Two more days of summer left. Ugh.
Well today I went to the Canfield Fair with Grace and Dubya. Originally, my family, Grace, and the Morrisons were going to go. But then the Morrisons cancelled on us (thank God, stupid white trash) and Morgan "got sick." At first she said she had diarrhea, but then when we tried to give her Immodium she said she didn't. Then we were about to leave, and she went in the bathroom and said she didn't want to go because she didn't feel good. So Mom stayed home with her. Mom said Morgan stayed in the loo a lng time and she has no idea what she was doing in there. Could it be her period perhaps? Hmmm...
Well today I went to the Canfield Fair with Grace and Dubya. Originally, my family, Grace, and the Morrisons were going to go. But then the Morrisons cancelled on us (thank God, stupid white trash) and Morgan "got sick." At first she said she had diarrhea, but then when we tried to give her Immodium she said she didn't. Then we were about to leave, and she went in the bathroom and said she didn't want to go because she didn't feel good. So Mom stayed home with her. Mom said Morgan stayed in the loo a lng time and she has no idea what she was doing in there. Could it be her period perhaps? Hmmm...
8.30.2002 10:41 pm
Well, I got back from the first Holland football game I've gone to this year, and it was surprisingly fun. I wore the blue and white tie-dyed shirt I made last year, but I wrote "Holland Llama Herding" on the front with permanent marker. The I wore my funky hat, so I could complete my Peggy Lipton look. Who, by the way, is celebrating her 55th birthday today.
I'm exhausted. But I shall write more because I PROMISED myself that 8th grade would be a heavily documented year. As as far as I'm concerned, it's started.
Did I mention that Lauren and Kevin broke up? IN JULY?! I swear, nobody ever tells me these things.
So one of the girls that Grace babysits was hanging out with me for a while. Her name is Katherine and she's 5. Grace also babysits her sisters Julia and Paige. Paige is Morgan's age and Grace and I are her "mentors" cuz we think she has potential to be "cool."
So I'm walking around with Katherine, pretending she's my daughter. I'd say, "Come on, daughter." And she's say, "Yes, oh Mother, who I love so much." It was cute, yet hilarious. So then I bought a Mountain Dew and a bag of Skittles that I thought we could share. Then, once we found Grace again, Katherine took the Skittles, claiming they were hers, and ran away with them. So of course I chased her. There I am, all dressed up like Peggy Lipton, chasing a five year old. Wonderful. Then I got the Skittles back (with a little help from Paula's cousin, who had to pick up Katherine and hold her upside down while Grace pried the Skittles out of her fists) and Katherine started chasing ME. So here I am, all dressed up like Peggy Lipton, being chased by a five year old. Wonderful. Then she took my hat. So I chased her. Then Paula's cousin held her upside down and we took it back. Then Katherine went after the Skittles again, and to cause me much pain, grabbed my right boob and gave it a good yank. Ow. Oh those five year olds. What are you going to do with them?
Lauren got her hair cut like Tina Fey and new glasses like Tina Fey. Needless to say, she looks like Tina Fey.
I bought The Vines CD today.
I'm exhausted. But I shall write more because I PROMISED myself that 8th grade would be a heavily documented year. As as far as I'm concerned, it's started.
Did I mention that Lauren and Kevin broke up? IN JULY?! I swear, nobody ever tells me these things.
So one of the girls that Grace babysits was hanging out with me for a while. Her name is Katherine and she's 5. Grace also babysits her sisters Julia and Paige. Paige is Morgan's age and Grace and I are her "mentors" cuz we think she has potential to be "cool."
So I'm walking around with Katherine, pretending she's my daughter. I'd say, "Come on, daughter." And she's say, "Yes, oh Mother, who I love so much." It was cute, yet hilarious. So then I bought a Mountain Dew and a bag of Skittles that I thought we could share. Then, once we found Grace again, Katherine took the Skittles, claiming they were hers, and ran away with them. So of course I chased her. There I am, all dressed up like Peggy Lipton, chasing a five year old. Wonderful. Then I got the Skittles back (with a little help from Paula's cousin, who had to pick up Katherine and hold her upside down while Grace pried the Skittles out of her fists) and Katherine started chasing ME. So here I am, all dressed up like Peggy Lipton, being chased by a five year old. Wonderful. Then she took my hat. So I chased her. Then Paula's cousin held her upside down and we took it back. Then Katherine went after the Skittles again, and to cause me much pain, grabbed my right boob and gave it a good yank. Ow. Oh those five year olds. What are you going to do with them?
Lauren got her hair cut like Tina Fey and new glasses like Tina Fey. Needless to say, she looks like Tina Fey.
I bought The Vines CD today.
8.28.2002 8:35 am
(verse 1)
How much of a loser am I
When my mama thinks I live in a time warp?
She can't figure out why
My interest in the past has no end
My friends don't understand
What is Bloom County, and why I read it so much
Got a record player in my room
So I can listen to records whenever I want to
Nobody knows why I watch old episodes of ER and Friends and Cheers
(chorus)
Modern Day America sucks
Why does Anna Nicole Smith have her own show?
Modern Day America sucks
Starbucks and McDonalds fight for a place on every corner
(verse 3)
Sometimes I pretend Bill Clinton is still president
Or George Bush, or even Ronald Reagan
I think I'll hide this September 11th
From the media in a bomb shelter
I wish it were still InDecision 2000
When we couldn't choose between highly coached or medicated
(chorus)
Modern Day America sucks
Whatever happened to Spuds Mackenzie?
Modern Day America sucks
What 's the story with the Geico Gecko?
(verse 4)
Remember when MTV was cool?
Before Carson Daly and TRL?
When they had Beavis and Butthead and The Jon Stewart Show
Now all that's good is The Osbournes
Somebody please explain the shopping mall
What is up with the Bohemian crap?
I've never seen anyone wear it because these shirts are see-through
And how can a guy with no shirt sell Abercombie and Fitch?
(chorus)
Modern Day America sucks
What will ER do without Dr. Greene?
My generation sucks
Brain dead corrupted youth make me wanna scream
(bridge)
The more I think about it
The more depressing it gets
I can't even watch the news
Cuz what they say makes me want to shoot myself
I don't wanna go back in time
I just want time to move on
Cuz this summer has been a load of bullshit
How much of a loser am I
When my mama thinks I live in a time warp?
She can't figure out why
My interest in the past has no end
My friends don't understand
What is Bloom County, and why I read it so much
Got a record player in my room
So I can listen to records whenever I want to
Nobody knows why I watch old episodes of ER and Friends and Cheers
(chorus)
Modern Day America sucks
Why does Anna Nicole Smith have her own show?
Modern Day America sucks
Starbucks and McDonalds fight for a place on every corner
(verse 3)
Sometimes I pretend Bill Clinton is still president
Or George Bush, or even Ronald Reagan
I think I'll hide this September 11th
From the media in a bomb shelter
I wish it were still InDecision 2000
When we couldn't choose between highly coached or medicated
(chorus)
Modern Day America sucks
Whatever happened to Spuds Mackenzie?
Modern Day America sucks
What 's the story with the Geico Gecko?
(verse 4)
Remember when MTV was cool?
Before Carson Daly and TRL?
When they had Beavis and Butthead and The Jon Stewart Show
Now all that's good is The Osbournes
Somebody please explain the shopping mall
What is up with the Bohemian crap?
I've never seen anyone wear it because these shirts are see-through
And how can a guy with no shirt sell Abercombie and Fitch?
(chorus)
Modern Day America sucks
What will ER do without Dr. Greene?
My generation sucks
Brain dead corrupted youth make me wanna scream
(bridge)
The more I think about it
The more depressing it gets
I can't even watch the news
Cuz what they say makes me want to shoot myself
I don't wanna go back in time
I just want time to move on
Cuz this summer has been a load of bullshit
8.27.2002 10:15 pm
Next time I go to the orthodontist I get a bottom retainer (but they don't take off my braces yet). I need to get a frenectomy. I've moved down to size France rubber bands. All the little rubber band bags have a place on the back that coordinates with the size of the bands. I never noticed this until I was talking to Danny and he said, "What country do you have for your bands?"
"What?"
"On the back. I have Iceland."
So I looked. I had AFRICA. That's how ridiculously enormous they were. Then I moved down to Scandinavia, now I'm at France.
You know, if Grace and I are going to be the Lennon and McCartney of our generation like we always talk about (I'm Lennon, of course), we better get a move on. I'd hate to be little miss dictator again (like I always am in my bands), but I find it necessary. I haven't been doing it so far and just look at us. We've never even had one practice. I'll be making a few phone calls tomorrow.
"What?"
"On the back. I have Iceland."
So I looked. I had AFRICA. That's how ridiculously enormous they were. Then I moved down to Scandinavia, now I'm at France.
You know, if Grace and I are going to be the Lennon and McCartney of our generation like we always talk about (I'm Lennon, of course), we better get a move on. I'd hate to be little miss dictator again (like I always am in my bands), but I find it necessary. I haven't been doing it so far and just look at us. We've never even had one practice. I'll be making a few phone calls tomorrow.
8.27.2002 4:58 pm
Well, I think it's safe to say that the Andrew thing has been blown. Not that there have been any developments, it has just all become crystal clear. Well, not exactly crystal clear, maybe semi-foggy. But I know I've learned a few things.
1. Do NOT go to my fellow romantically-challenged friends for advice. They haven't a clue to what they're talking about. I'm better off listening to my own conscience because, let me remind you, I have had (a) boyfriend(s). They have not.
2. Next time, go right to Nanny. Because unlike my prude friends, she is married and loves her husband very much. Therefore, it is obvious she knows what she's talking about.
I think what really sucks most, the one thing that pisses me off, is that if I had just listened to my head (and trust me, the heart totally agreed with the head), I might still have had at least a CHANCE with him. But no, I had to once again be reminded why I should NEVER do things my friends tell me to do when I know I shouldn't. Which is because they're always wrong. And now, as it turns out, if I had just gone to Nanny (whose advice I value higher than my friends anyway), she would have told me to do exactly what I wanted to do: WAIT.
I mean, what idiot calls people on the phone to tell them they like them? MY FRIENDS. And just look at them.
So next time I like someone (which, since I am now traumatized, will probably never happen again) I'm going straight to Nanny.
Not that I'm mad at my friends.
And now I have a new appreciation for the song "If I Could Turn Back Time" and "I'm an Asshole."
1. Do NOT go to my fellow romantically-challenged friends for advice. They haven't a clue to what they're talking about. I'm better off listening to my own conscience because, let me remind you, I have had (a) boyfriend(s). They have not.
2. Next time, go right to Nanny. Because unlike my prude friends, she is married and loves her husband very much. Therefore, it is obvious she knows what she's talking about.
I think what really sucks most, the one thing that pisses me off, is that if I had just listened to my head (and trust me, the heart totally agreed with the head), I might still have had at least a CHANCE with him. But no, I had to once again be reminded why I should NEVER do things my friends tell me to do when I know I shouldn't. Which is because they're always wrong. And now, as it turns out, if I had just gone to Nanny (whose advice I value higher than my friends anyway), she would have told me to do exactly what I wanted to do: WAIT.
I mean, what idiot calls people on the phone to tell them they like them? MY FRIENDS. And just look at them.
So next time I like someone (which, since I am now traumatized, will probably never happen again) I'm going straight to Nanny.
Not that I'm mad at my friends.
And now I have a new appreciation for the song "If I Could Turn Back Time" and "I'm an Asshole."
8.26.2002
Wow. Ever since I decided to make this my journal/song notebook/stand up notebook, I haven't written a lot of journal entries. As a matter of fact, I haven't written any journal entries.
I just got back from Carly's house. Yah, I know. She's obviously pissed me off enough for me to write a song about her. I actually feel a little stupid being around her.
I don't think I handled that whole situation very well when it happened back in March. She got mad at me when I went to a "preppy" party because she called as I was just walking out the door and wanted me to come over and sit in her basement and play video games with her. So of course I was like, "Fuhgettaboutit." And then she called me when I got back and complained about how I was "drifting away from her."
Wow I'm getting pissed just thinking about it.
Then she put this whole thing up in her livejournal about how hurt she was and how much she hated me. How I "screwed her up and over." Which is complete bullshit. Then she wrote how she had been Wiccan all year, but she didn't tell me or Grace because she "knew we wouldn't be able to accept it." More bullshit. Remember when I wanted to be Jewish?
Then she was talking to people about ME, looking for advice. She talked to her little internet lesbian friend, Alex, who said I was "shallow." Once again, bullshit. Just because I don't burn incense doesn't mean I'm shallow. Just because I don't spend long hours of the night soul-searching doesn't mean I'm shallow. I'm not depressed, painfully shy, down on myself, abused, molested, homosexual, biracial, Wiccan, schizophrenic, or shallow.
And another thing. Online journals are evil. It seems harmless, you and your buddy reading each other's journals on the web. But then something like this happens. I never write anything of significance in mine anymore. I think I might delete it.
So anyhow, Grace and Amanda were there, also some of Carly's other friends like Alyssa, Kirsten whatever her last name is, and some other girl with crazy hair. So then they wanted to watch this anime thing and wanted us to watch it too.
Now I try to converse with everyone, but anime is something I simply will not get into. This is one thing I feel very strong about. This is one thing I promise myself. I will never get into anime. I'm sure this is EXTREMELY offensive to others, but they're not going to read this so screw them. I don't know what it is about it, except it's just WEIRD. Sure, it's Japanese, but I'm more interested in Japanese culture because it's so advanced like ours, but it's so different. But things that come out of Japan are just ludacris. Look at video games (another thing Carly and her friends were doing in the basement). What is up with that whole Final Fantasy thing? I think there is a line where a normal videogame player is separated from strange ones (aren't they normally strange though?). When you're playing maybe half an hour to an hour a day for the action or something, that's one thing. But when you become obsessed with the storylines adn characters and spend hours playing it, and when you're writing fanfiction about it, that's just strange.
Fanfiction is another strange thing to play around with. If one would read anything I've posted on the web, they'd notice that it is purely silly and only an attempt to gain atention and writing skills. But then you get into these things were these people take these stories very seriously. Sometimes it turns out with very impressive results, just look at "The Thing About Flight."
...Nevermind. I have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm exhausted. I got up at 6:30 this morning and it's almost midnight. I need to stop slamming innocent people, but it makes me feel better at least.
Perhaps next time I'll say what I mean to.
I just got back from Carly's house. Yah, I know. She's obviously pissed me off enough for me to write a song about her. I actually feel a little stupid being around her.
I don't think I handled that whole situation very well when it happened back in March. She got mad at me when I went to a "preppy" party because she called as I was just walking out the door and wanted me to come over and sit in her basement and play video games with her. So of course I was like, "Fuhgettaboutit." And then she called me when I got back and complained about how I was "drifting away from her."
Wow I'm getting pissed just thinking about it.
Then she put this whole thing up in her livejournal about how hurt she was and how much she hated me. How I "screwed her up and over." Which is complete bullshit. Then she wrote how she had been Wiccan all year, but she didn't tell me or Grace because she "knew we wouldn't be able to accept it." More bullshit. Remember when I wanted to be Jewish?
Then she was talking to people about ME, looking for advice. She talked to her little internet lesbian friend, Alex, who said I was "shallow." Once again, bullshit. Just because I don't burn incense doesn't mean I'm shallow. Just because I don't spend long hours of the night soul-searching doesn't mean I'm shallow. I'm not depressed, painfully shy, down on myself, abused, molested, homosexual, biracial, Wiccan, schizophrenic, or shallow.
And another thing. Online journals are evil. It seems harmless, you and your buddy reading each other's journals on the web. But then something like this happens. I never write anything of significance in mine anymore. I think I might delete it.
So anyhow, Grace and Amanda were there, also some of Carly's other friends like Alyssa, Kirsten whatever her last name is, and some other girl with crazy hair. So then they wanted to watch this anime thing and wanted us to watch it too.
Now I try to converse with everyone, but anime is something I simply will not get into. This is one thing I feel very strong about. This is one thing I promise myself. I will never get into anime. I'm sure this is EXTREMELY offensive to others, but they're not going to read this so screw them. I don't know what it is about it, except it's just WEIRD. Sure, it's Japanese, but I'm more interested in Japanese culture because it's so advanced like ours, but it's so different. But things that come out of Japan are just ludacris. Look at video games (another thing Carly and her friends were doing in the basement). What is up with that whole Final Fantasy thing? I think there is a line where a normal videogame player is separated from strange ones (aren't they normally strange though?). When you're playing maybe half an hour to an hour a day for the action or something, that's one thing. But when you become obsessed with the storylines adn characters and spend hours playing it, and when you're writing fanfiction about it, that's just strange.
Fanfiction is another strange thing to play around with. If one would read anything I've posted on the web, they'd notice that it is purely silly and only an attempt to gain atention and writing skills. But then you get into these things were these people take these stories very seriously. Sometimes it turns out with very impressive results, just look at "The Thing About Flight."
...Nevermind. I have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm exhausted. I got up at 6:30 this morning and it's almost midnight. I need to stop slamming innocent people, but it makes me feel better at least.
Perhaps next time I'll say what I mean to.
8.20.02
Punk Rock Caste System
Self-centered little punks around town
Frown upon anyone who gets down
With anything current or pop music
Label other people like they feel they're labeled
I don't label
So you just shut yo' mouth
Who do you think you are?
Treatin others like shit just because
they don't live up to your punk rock standards
I know there are "posers" like Avril Lavigne
And a class of people you call "preppies"
But they're people and they have feelings too
Feelings that are stomped on by people like you
You think you're better when you've stooped down to their level
Classifying real and fake like they're cool and uncool
I'm just sick of this shit
Just cuz I'm not a hardcore punk
like you doesn't mean I'm this "preppie" you taking about
I don't fit into your stupid caste system
Worshipping multiple rock bands like Hinduism
I don't like to get into these conversations
Screw this, I'm a libertarian!
Self-centered little punks around town
Frown upon anyone who gets down
With anything current or pop music
Label other people like they feel they're labeled
I don't label
So you just shut yo' mouth
Who do you think you are?
Treatin others like shit just because
they don't live up to your punk rock standards
I know there are "posers" like Avril Lavigne
And a class of people you call "preppies"
But they're people and they have feelings too
Feelings that are stomped on by people like you
You think you're better when you've stooped down to their level
Classifying real and fake like they're cool and uncool
I'm just sick of this shit
Just cuz I'm not a hardcore punk
like you doesn't mean I'm this "preppie" you taking about
I don't fit into your stupid caste system
Worshipping multiple rock bands like Hinduism
I don't like to get into these conversations
Screw this, I'm a libertarian!
8.17.2002
Dr. Carter, why is your nose so pointy?
Dr. Carter is but an instrument of God
Dr. Carter, you're the only original cast member left
Dr. Carter you suck at basketball
Dr. Carter had a crush on Maggie Doyle
But she was a lesbian
Dr. Carter liked his student Lucy
But she got stabbed by a psycho
You hurt your leg
You got stabbed in the back
You got maise in your eye
You almost got whacked
And kicked in the chest
You used to vomit when you got nervous
You were addicted to painkillers
Dr. Carter got arrested for obstruction of justice
Dr. Carter your "Gamma" is rich
Dr. Carter, you're a magnet for blonde haired bitches
Dr. Carter you wish you were Dr. Greene
Except without the tumor, glasses, and male pattern baldness
But other than that, you wish you were Dr. Greene
Dr. Carter, you hate Dr. Kovac
Luka is not your friend
Because he was doing Abby when you wanted to
So then you started liking Susan
But then when you were treating small children with smallpox
You realized you don't like Susan
You hate Kerry Weaver
She's not your friend either
She likes women and she has a gimp
Dr. Carter, you tried to grow a beard
But it didn't work because it got glued to a patient
Dr. Carter is but an instrument of God
Dr. Carter, you're the only original cast member left
Dr. Carter you suck at basketball
Dr. Carter had a crush on Maggie Doyle
But she was a lesbian
Dr. Carter liked his student Lucy
But she got stabbed by a psycho
You hurt your leg
You got stabbed in the back
You got maise in your eye
You almost got whacked
And kicked in the chest
You used to vomit when you got nervous
You were addicted to painkillers
Dr. Carter got arrested for obstruction of justice
Dr. Carter your "Gamma" is rich
Dr. Carter, you're a magnet for blonde haired bitches
Dr. Carter you wish you were Dr. Greene
Except without the tumor, glasses, and male pattern baldness
But other than that, you wish you were Dr. Greene
Dr. Carter, you hate Dr. Kovac
Luka is not your friend
Because he was doing Abby when you wanted to
So then you started liking Susan
But then when you were treating small children with smallpox
You realized you don't like Susan
You hate Kerry Weaver
She's not your friend either
She likes women and she has a gimp
Dr. Carter, you tried to grow a beard
But it didn't work because it got glued to a patient
8.13.2002
Part II of the Andrew song
Andrew will die a bitter old man
If he can't do it than no man can
Andrew doesn't love me the way that I love him
And if I can't have him then screw him
What the hell
I'm better off without him anyhow
He's not that good-looking
He's not that funny
He's not my generation's George Clooney
What the hell
I'm better off alone anyhow
But if he has a voice of wisdom
It better tell him to watch his little Egyptian ass
Andrew will die a bitter old man
If he can't do it than no man can
Andrew doesn't love me the way that I love him
And if I can't have him then screw him
What the hell
I'm better off without him anyhow
He's not that good-looking
He's not that funny
He's not my generation's George Clooney
What the hell
I'm better off alone anyhow
But if he has a voice of wisdom
It better tell him to watch his little Egyptian ass
8.7.2002
(verse 1)
Andrew, Andrew, how I love him so
If only I weren't afraid of telephones
My friends stopped asking me how I am
Started asking me if I've called Andrew yet
I wanted to ask him to see Goldmember with me
(chorus)
It's a shame all I've gotten is his negativity
It's too bad he hasn't realized that he is just like me
It's so typical that opposites attract
That's why I'll never get Andrew
(verse 2)
I need to stop falling for Andrew
Because I know he's such a total asshole
I'll be almost sure that he hates me
My friends talk me into thinking he likes me
I bought a box of chocolates in case he turns me down
(repeat chorus)
(bridge)
He's just more proof that I will die alone and unloved
He's just more lightning down my chimney to kill my dogs
I don't need him, I can't have him
But I want him so bad it hurts
Take an Advil, eat my chocolate, sit in my bedroom and pout
But if I could change -ologies or old wives' tales
I'd mae it so I'd be good for him
And he'd be good enough for me
(repeat chorus)
Andrew, Andrew, how I love him so
If only I weren't afraid of telephones
My friends stopped asking me how I am
Started asking me if I've called Andrew yet
I wanted to ask him to see Goldmember with me
(chorus)
It's a shame all I've gotten is his negativity
It's too bad he hasn't realized that he is just like me
It's so typical that opposites attract
That's why I'll never get Andrew
(verse 2)
I need to stop falling for Andrew
Because I know he's such a total asshole
I'll be almost sure that he hates me
My friends talk me into thinking he likes me
I bought a box of chocolates in case he turns me down
(repeat chorus)
(bridge)
He's just more proof that I will die alone and unloved
He's just more lightning down my chimney to kill my dogs
I don't need him, I can't have him
But I want him so bad it hurts
Take an Advil, eat my chocolate, sit in my bedroom and pout
But if I could change -ologies or old wives' tales
I'd mae it so I'd be good for him
And he'd be good enough for me
(repeat chorus)
8.6.2002 5:51 pm
Grace and Colleen's Official List of Cool People
Colleen
Grace
Paul
Samuel L. Jackson
Brian Bell
Jimmy Fallon
Tina Fey
Mike Myers
Lenny Kravitz
Nannygirl
Dubya
Linda
John Lennon
Paul McCartney
George Harrison
Ringo Starr
Rudy Guiliani
Matt Lauer (not Katie Couric) (or Al)
Verne Troyer
Conan O'brien
Denis Leary
Donald Faison
Jack Black
Lewis Black
Jon Stewart
Will Ferrell
Ana Gasteyer
George Clooney
Omar Vizquel
Tom Hanks
Moby
Dana Carvey
Jack White
Sharon Osbourne
Kelly Osbourne
Ozzy Osbourne
Sting
Outkast
Ewan McGregor
Tina Turner
Spike Jonze
Denzel Washington
Gilda Radner
Yoshimori Yagusaki
Dr. Greene
Kevin
Will Smith
Colleen
Grace
Paul
Samuel L. Jackson
Brian Bell
Jimmy Fallon
Tina Fey
Mike Myers
Lenny Kravitz
Nannygirl
Dubya
Linda
John Lennon
Paul McCartney
George Harrison
Ringo Starr
Rudy Guiliani
Matt Lauer (not Katie Couric) (or Al)
Verne Troyer
Conan O'brien
Denis Leary
Donald Faison
Jack Black
Lewis Black
Jon Stewart
Will Ferrell
Ana Gasteyer
George Clooney
Omar Vizquel
Tom Hanks
Moby
Dana Carvey
Jack White
Sharon Osbourne
Kelly Osbourne
Ozzy Osbourne
Sting
Outkast
Ewan McGregor
Tina Turner
Spike Jonze
Denzel Washington
Gilda Radner
Yoshimori Yagusaki
Dr. Greene
Kevin
Will Smith
7.30.2002
I did two very important things today.
First of all, I called Andrew. That's right, I finally did it. And this time he was home.
Ring. Ring. Ring. (Uh oh, he's not home again)
"Hello?" (It's his dad!)
"Hi, can I talk to Andrew please?"
"Sure hold on." (WHAT? HE'S HOME. Definitely not what I was expecting.)
"Hello?" (Whoa - he sounds manly!)
"Hi Andrew. It's Colleen."
"Hi."
"Um...have you seen Goldmember yet?"
"No."
"Oh, well, I was wondering if you would wanna see it with me some time?"
"I don't think so." This is the part where my lungs began to implode and I went into shock. And the worst part is, after he said that, he GIGGLED. AAHHHH!!!!
"Oh. Uh. Okay. Bye."
Really a wonderful portrayal of a desperate little girl on my behalf. If I would've been PREPARED for him being home, it could've went something like this:
Ring. Ring. Ring.
"Hello?"
"Hi. Can I talk to Andrew please?" (Notice how a period marks a pause between the greeting and the question.)
"Sure hold on."
"Thanks." <- politeness takes preparation and confidence to pull off.
"Hello?"
"Hi Andrew. It's Colleen."
"Hi."
"Wow, you sound pretty manly."
"Uh...thanks?"
"How's your summer been going?" <- note attempt to stretch conversation.
"Good. And yours?"
"Good. Have you seen the new Austin Powers movie yet?" <-note avoidance of word "member"
"No."
"Do you think that you might wanna see it?...With me?" <-notice the FLIRTATION. Goddamn flirtation. That's what it's really all about, isn't it?
Perhaps this approach would've won me a date. Perhaps not. I'm sure he has his reasons, as pitiful as they may be. That little fantasy conversation sure is enjoyable to read.
Did I mention that this took place during a little get-together at Grace's house? Grace, Paula, Deana, Carly, and Amanda were there. So after that I was just like, "He said no." And went into the living room to contemplate life. Everyone looked shocked. We were all certain he would say yes. But look on the bright side, at least I called him, right? That's what I always say after I get turned down.
So Grace came in and sat on the couch with me and we talked for about an hour and a half. I am so lucky I met Grace. She abandoned four other guests just to talk to me. I've never had another friend like that.
So we started out about how shocked we were that he said no, then moved on to how we were both going to die alone and unloved. Then we both talked each other out of that and reassured one another that we would find someone. Then we talked about how we couldn't understand our other friends and how parts of our families hate us. Which basically turned into a talk about religion (Grace has a lot of born-agains in her family). And we came up with a pretty good idea. There is a god. There is no hell, because why would the one who loves you condemn you to an eternity of torture. After thousands and thousands of years watching humans senselessly kill each other, I'm sure God has developed tons of patience. So what happens is you're reincarnated over and over again until you learn all of life's leasons. Once you've figured everything out and know how to act and do the right hting, you go to heaven. It's their way of preventing any heavenly deliquents. As long as I think about everything like that, the whole world makes sense to me. It explains EVERYTHING.
Later on Daddio picked me up from Grace's house. And since it was just me and him in the car, I decided it would be the perfect time to discuss my never-to-exist Confirmation. I talked to him very calmly and explained how I knew I was not meant to stay a Catholic and even though I am not religious, I am spiritual. And that's the important thing. He said he's think about it and tell me later. Unlike the Eldabh converation, I think I handled that one fairly well.
Good night. I'm very tired now and I need my rest, for I have been enlightened.
First of all, I called Andrew. That's right, I finally did it. And this time he was home.
Ring. Ring. Ring. (Uh oh, he's not home again)
"Hello?" (It's his dad!)
"Hi, can I talk to Andrew please?"
"Sure hold on." (WHAT? HE'S HOME. Definitely not what I was expecting.)
"Hello?" (Whoa - he sounds manly!)
"Hi Andrew. It's Colleen."
"Hi."
"Um...have you seen Goldmember yet?"
"No."
"Oh, well, I was wondering if you would wanna see it with me some time?"
"I don't think so." This is the part where my lungs began to implode and I went into shock. And the worst part is, after he said that, he GIGGLED. AAHHHH!!!!
"Oh. Uh. Okay. Bye."
Really a wonderful portrayal of a desperate little girl on my behalf. If I would've been PREPARED for him being home, it could've went something like this:
Ring. Ring. Ring.
"Hello?"
"Hi. Can I talk to Andrew please?" (Notice how a period marks a pause between the greeting and the question.)
"Sure hold on."
"Thanks." <- politeness takes preparation and confidence to pull off.
"Hello?"
"Hi Andrew. It's Colleen."
"Hi."
"Wow, you sound pretty manly."
"Uh...thanks?"
"How's your summer been going?" <- note attempt to stretch conversation.
"Good. And yours?"
"Good. Have you seen the new Austin Powers movie yet?" <-note avoidance of word "member"
"No."
"Do you think that you might wanna see it?...With me?" <-notice the FLIRTATION. Goddamn flirtation. That's what it's really all about, isn't it?
Perhaps this approach would've won me a date. Perhaps not. I'm sure he has his reasons, as pitiful as they may be. That little fantasy conversation sure is enjoyable to read.
Did I mention that this took place during a little get-together at Grace's house? Grace, Paula, Deana, Carly, and Amanda were there. So after that I was just like, "He said no." And went into the living room to contemplate life. Everyone looked shocked. We were all certain he would say yes. But look on the bright side, at least I called him, right? That's what I always say after I get turned down.
So Grace came in and sat on the couch with me and we talked for about an hour and a half. I am so lucky I met Grace. She abandoned four other guests just to talk to me. I've never had another friend like that.
So we started out about how shocked we were that he said no, then moved on to how we were both going to die alone and unloved. Then we both talked each other out of that and reassured one another that we would find someone. Then we talked about how we couldn't understand our other friends and how parts of our families hate us. Which basically turned into a talk about religion (Grace has a lot of born-agains in her family). And we came up with a pretty good idea. There is a god. There is no hell, because why would the one who loves you condemn you to an eternity of torture. After thousands and thousands of years watching humans senselessly kill each other, I'm sure God has developed tons of patience. So what happens is you're reincarnated over and over again until you learn all of life's leasons. Once you've figured everything out and know how to act and do the right hting, you go to heaven. It's their way of preventing any heavenly deliquents. As long as I think about everything like that, the whole world makes sense to me. It explains EVERYTHING.
Later on Daddio picked me up from Grace's house. And since it was just me and him in the car, I decided it would be the perfect time to discuss my never-to-exist Confirmation. I talked to him very calmly and explained how I knew I was not meant to stay a Catholic and even though I am not religious, I am spiritual. And that's the important thing. He said he's think about it and tell me later. Unlike the Eldabh converation, I think I handled that one fairly well.
Good night. I'm very tired now and I need my rest, for I have been enlightened.
7.22.2002
I'm not writng very often, am I? It's hard, I haven't developed a pattern yet. When I have something to write and I'm writing it down it feels so natural, but I always have to pause for long periods of time and think about what I'm going to write next. Which is stupid, it's not like anyone is gonna read this but me. Well (hopefully) my offspring. I've been taking all my notes and cut out newspaper articles and ripped out magazine pictures of celebrities and have been filing them away into my desk. I'm just trying to preserve stuff, you know? There's very little left from my parent's childhood for me to pick though and analyze who exactly these people are. Maybe it will be easier for my kids that way.
So Andrew is back. I think. I haven't called. I'm not sure if I wanna call anymore. Maybe I don't like him the way I used to. It's hard to say. How did I like him before? I have no idea. Before I kept thinking, "You know, he's the one. You can run but you can't hide from the fact that you're not gonna find another one like him." Which seems stupid because I'm 13, and I think that's a little too young to go looking for your soul mate. I can't even remember any proof that he is "the one." Perhaps I should've been writing when all this was happening. Damn. I'm regretting not writing for about a year. So what if I do call him? I have no evidence to believe that he is going to wanna see a movie with me. I mean, it's me. I'm just too...me. I can't imagine why he would want to even spend 2 hours with me that doesn't involve any talking. All we ever did was fight.
That's where one of my friends would sweep in and say, "That's only because you two are so alike..." They don't know that. How can they be so sure of these things?
And what if he does say yes? And what if he wants to be like...my boyfriend? How am I going to deal with that one? I have all this stuff I still gotta do before I wanna get settled down...
OH MY GOD. AM I JUST PUTTING THIS OFF BECAUSE I THINK I'M GONNA MARRY HIM? That's what it looks like to me. No, he couldn't possibly be. But there's this little voice (as little as one of my voices can be), that seems to think he is. This could get ugly.
So Andrew is back. I think. I haven't called. I'm not sure if I wanna call anymore. Maybe I don't like him the way I used to. It's hard to say. How did I like him before? I have no idea. Before I kept thinking, "You know, he's the one. You can run but you can't hide from the fact that you're not gonna find another one like him." Which seems stupid because I'm 13, and I think that's a little too young to go looking for your soul mate. I can't even remember any proof that he is "the one." Perhaps I should've been writing when all this was happening. Damn. I'm regretting not writing for about a year. So what if I do call him? I have no evidence to believe that he is going to wanna see a movie with me. I mean, it's me. I'm just too...me. I can't imagine why he would want to even spend 2 hours with me that doesn't involve any talking. All we ever did was fight.
That's where one of my friends would sweep in and say, "That's only because you two are so alike..." They don't know that. How can they be so sure of these things?
And what if he does say yes? And what if he wants to be like...my boyfriend? How am I going to deal with that one? I have all this stuff I still gotta do before I wanna get settled down...
OH MY GOD. AM I JUST PUTTING THIS OFF BECAUSE I THINK I'M GONNA MARRY HIM? That's what it looks like to me. No, he couldn't possibly be. But there's this little voice (as little as one of my voices can be), that seems to think he is. This could get ugly.
7.13.2002 12:05 am
Lately, I've been thinking a lot about what I could possibly have been in a past life. If such things are possible. Grace thinks that she was Cleopatra. But everybody thinks that they were someone famous. I think I'll just limit it to a certain group of people.
Why I might be Italian: An unexplainable love for Italians and Italian culture.
Why I might not be: In Youngstown, you better like Italians or you better get out.
Why I might be Italian: An unexplainable love for Italians and Italian culture.
Why I might not be: In Youngstown, you better like Italians or you better get out.
7.7.2002 10:23 pm
I'm beginning to notice a pattern with this whole writing thing. And that pattern is: it doesn't happen in the day.
So I decided since I was born Catholic, I have no religion. There's no actual religion out there for me. Every religion has their great ideas, and their crappy ones. Example: Hinduism. Good idea? Karma and reincarnation. Bad idea? Castes. Judaism. Good idea? Yom Kippur (same idea as Lent, but 40 times shorter and countless times better). Bad idea? Circumcision and Kosher. And anyhow, good karma and bad karma is a lot better than good deeds and sins. But if sins are made, that's where Yom Kippur comes in. I'm not going to preach my religion, but I am going to practice it. Because this is America and I can practice whatever I want. So there.
P.S. I just watched Dogma
So I decided since I was born Catholic, I have no religion. There's no actual religion out there for me. Every religion has their great ideas, and their crappy ones. Example: Hinduism. Good idea? Karma and reincarnation. Bad idea? Castes. Judaism. Good idea? Yom Kippur (same idea as Lent, but 40 times shorter and countless times better). Bad idea? Circumcision and Kosher. And anyhow, good karma and bad karma is a lot better than good deeds and sins. But if sins are made, that's where Yom Kippur comes in. I'm not going to preach my religion, but I am going to practice it. Because this is America and I can practice whatever I want. So there.
P.S. I just watched Dogma
7.6.2002 11:35 pm
14 more days until Andrew comes back! Yay! Or...poo. That's still two weeks.
Possible band names:
I'll Clean Instead
Florida Chicken Massacre
Redneck Riviera
Possible band names:
I'll Clean Instead
Florida Chicken Massacre
Redneck Riviera
7.5.2002 11:20 pm
Last night I stayed over at Grandma Winnie's because Mom and Dad went to Ellen and Keith's to "celebrate" the 4th. They were inevitably bored. I, on the other hand, chose to celebrate "Indy-pendence" Day by watching Raiders of the Lost Ark 3 times. I love that movie. I've seen it so many times since I was little. It's great. I don't know how anybody can say Steven Spielberg sucks. They obviously haven't seen that movie.
I used to write songs, but I stopped because they really looked like a cry for help. And I don't want any help. Plus, for lack of a better term, they sucked. But the other day Grace was going through my song book and liked some of them. She thought they were pretty damn good. I don't think so.
What I bought today: USA shirt, Coldplay CD, moisturizer, acne treatment, two picture frams, and a fan.
I used to write songs, but I stopped because they really looked like a cry for help. And I don't want any help. Plus, for lack of a better term, they sucked. But the other day Grace was going through my song book and liked some of them. She thought they were pretty damn good. I don't think so.
What I bought today: USA shirt, Coldplay CD, moisturizer, acne treatment, two picture frams, and a fan.
7.2.2002 11:48 pm
Today I finally got around to calling the Andrew's residence. I was trying to call yesterday too, but nobody picked up. But today somebody did. I think it was his dad. The conversation went something like this.
Ring ring. (Okay, no one's going to pick up again.)
"Hello?"
(HOLY CRAP) "Hi, can I talk to Andrew?"
"Andrew? He's not home right now. May I ask who's calling?" (NOT HOME?!)
"Oh, okay. Well can you tell me when he'll be back so I can call again?"
"Uh...July 20. He'll be back around July 20." (WHAT?!) "Who is this?"
"This is Colleen."
"Okay, Colleen."
"Thank you. Bye."
"Bye."
AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Just when I had all my nerve worked up! And then he goes over to another hemisphere! UGH! And then his dad will probably call him later and they'll be talking and then his dad will say, "Somebody named Colleen called." And Andrew will be like, "WHAT?!" (Grace notes: but he'll secretly be smiling inside). That Grace. If he ends up hating me, I'm going to have to have some words with Grace.
So what I guess I'm going to do for the next two and a half weeks while I wait for my love to return from overseas (this sounds like some cheesy WWII romance, doesn't it? Now all I have to do is get Faith Hill to do the theme song and I'm set) is mope around wishing I would've called sooner. See, I could've, but noooo, the telephone is just soooo scary. Yes, that is sarcasm you detect. I'm gonna start working out and drink more water. Maybe if I have something to look forward to I'll be able to succeed at those two things (big gulp of water).
Ring ring. (Okay, no one's going to pick up again.)
"Hello?"
(HOLY CRAP) "Hi, can I talk to Andrew?"
"Andrew? He's not home right now. May I ask who's calling?" (NOT HOME?!)
"Oh, okay. Well can you tell me when he'll be back so I can call again?"
"Uh...July 20. He'll be back around July 20." (WHAT?!) "Who is this?"
"This is Colleen."
"Okay, Colleen."
"Thank you. Bye."
"Bye."
AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Just when I had all my nerve worked up! And then he goes over to another hemisphere! UGH! And then his dad will probably call him later and they'll be talking and then his dad will say, "Somebody named Colleen called." And Andrew will be like, "WHAT?!" (Grace notes: but he'll secretly be smiling inside). That Grace. If he ends up hating me, I'm going to have to have some words with Grace.
So what I guess I'm going to do for the next two and a half weeks while I wait for my love to return from overseas (this sounds like some cheesy WWII romance, doesn't it? Now all I have to do is get Faith Hill to do the theme song and I'm set) is mope around wishing I would've called sooner. See, I could've, but noooo, the telephone is just soooo scary. Yes, that is sarcasm you detect. I'm gonna start working out and drink more water. Maybe if I have something to look forward to I'll be able to succeed at those two things (big gulp of water).
6.29.2002 12:14 am
Grace's rescheduled bonfire was held on this beautiful...yesterday. Grace, Paula, Deana, and me ended up being the only ones there, but it was a blast anyhow. I was having a good time burning things from the past year, and also random weeds I found growing in Grace's back yard.
I bet Grace and Paula $5 that if I asked out Andrew he'd say no - why do I think this? Well, for starters the only feelings he has for me are resentment and annoyance. Everyone keeps telling me "Oh, he likes you. I can tell by the way he looks at you." But, being the narcissist that I am, I don't believe them. It's like when people tell you your hair looks nice when you KNOW it looks horrible. They're just telling white lies to get me to ask him out.
But I have been rejected enough times consecutively to feel completely unworthy of love. Grace says boys are intimidated by me. Ross says it's because I'm crazy and unique. So does this mean the only girls who deserve to be loved are easy-going, sane, and identical? Not that I would want to be that, but I'd just like to be loved for being intimidating, crazy, and unique. And we're all crazy anyhow.
So Grace, Paula, and I are starting a band. We're planning on having Kevin as our drummer, since he is our friend and he is a good drummer and all.
Possible Names:
Kubaba (the beer lady)
Cornelius
Vesuvius
Katinka
Sneezer (like Weezer)
Odin
Rashad
Spuds Mackenzie
Buddy Clinton
I bet Grace and Paula $5 that if I asked out Andrew he'd say no - why do I think this? Well, for starters the only feelings he has for me are resentment and annoyance. Everyone keeps telling me "Oh, he likes you. I can tell by the way he looks at you." But, being the narcissist that I am, I don't believe them. It's like when people tell you your hair looks nice when you KNOW it looks horrible. They're just telling white lies to get me to ask him out.
But I have been rejected enough times consecutively to feel completely unworthy of love. Grace says boys are intimidated by me. Ross says it's because I'm crazy and unique. So does this mean the only girls who deserve to be loved are easy-going, sane, and identical? Not that I would want to be that, but I'd just like to be loved for being intimidating, crazy, and unique. And we're all crazy anyhow.
So Grace, Paula, and I are starting a band. We're planning on having Kevin as our drummer, since he is our friend and he is a good drummer and all.
Possible Names:
Kubaba (the beer lady)
Cornelius
Vesuvius
Katinka
Sneezer (like Weezer)
Odin
Rashad
Spuds Mackenzie
Buddy Clinton
6.27.2002 10:39 pm
Well here I am, trying to start up my notebook writing again. I've tried more than once, but every time it fails horribly. If I'm lucky, I'll write for three days. So I'm thinking maybe it's that I can only write like a maniac in these kinds of notebooks. I hate spiral notebooks. They're just so...tricky. I mean, who can figure out that spiral thing on the side?
So, by chance, after I got home from babysitting today, my mom and Morgan (my little sister, she's 10), decide they need to go to the dollar store to get stuff for Morgan's trip to Camp Fitch next week. This is going to be great, a whole week without Morgan and her chronic whining disorder! But anyhow, I'm getting off track. I know they always sell these notebooks there, so I hopped in the car and got one.
Why I need to write again
1. Because I'm emotionally out-of-touch, which makes me emotionally unavailable which makes me appear to be cold and heartless (which I may or may not be).
2. As shown in the item above, I can't explain anything without confusing everyone!
3. It's sad that I wrote so much for so long and then just kind of stopped.
4. I should preserve these golden years on paper so I can look back at them in the future and sigh with sympathy.
So, by chance, after I got home from babysitting today, my mom and Morgan (my little sister, she's 10), decide they need to go to the dollar store to get stuff for Morgan's trip to Camp Fitch next week. This is going to be great, a whole week without Morgan and her chronic whining disorder! But anyhow, I'm getting off track. I know they always sell these notebooks there, so I hopped in the car and got one.
Why I need to write again
1. Because I'm emotionally out-of-touch, which makes me emotionally unavailable which makes me appear to be cold and heartless (which I may or may not be).
2. As shown in the item above, I can't explain anything without confusing everyone!
3. It's sad that I wrote so much for so long and then just kind of stopped.
4. I should preserve these golden years on paper so I can look back at them in the future and sigh with sympathy.
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