11.14.2002

Oh God. You know, I really thought I was over Andrew! I had totally convinced myself of it. But yesterday I was coming out of my guitar lesson...and he was standing there looking at me. I only gave him a glance, but I was smiling when I did it. And today Grace wrote me a note from a class she has with him and she told me he was making everyone laugh...God, I am fucking pathetic. You know, this is the first time in 3 years I haven't been on the inside of any of those jokes. I feel left out. And I HATE to say this, but I miss him. But you know, it's not like we were ever FRIENDS or anything. We were enemies - but the sexual tension was there, but it was one-sided. I don't even dare to dream it wasn't. The stitches in my chest and have been ripped open to a surgical wound infection. Why must I carry around this stupid broken heart?

I can't tell a soul. Fuck, I'm getting nauseous. What the hell is this? BUTTERFLIES IN MY STOMACH?! I'm sweating. This is ri-goddamn-diculous.

No one can know I still have any feelings for him other than hate. No one can know I HAVE feelings! It would only make things worse! It would be like blood thinner! They'd feed me shit intravenously about how I could call him or some other bullshit. I DON'T WANT TO CALL HIM. I DON'T WANT HIM TO BE MY BOYFRIEND! I JUST WANT TO GET OVER HIM. Then they'd say I need a boyfriend. But deep down inside, I know that not even Korey could save me from this load.